#96 - How Stephen Found His Inner Warrior | Stephen Baylis
A “North Star Goal” is defined as a single, well-defined objective that you can glance up at to determine if you're on the right track. It comes from the North Star in the sky, Polaris, which you can follow when you become lost and guide yourself on the right path.
Goals are a very important part of our lives. It gives us a sense of purpose and allows us to achieve our maximum potential. Setting a North Star helps us to accomplish our wildest aspirations whether it is to maintain sexual integrity, eliminate porn addiction, or put an end to our bad habits.
In Episode 96, we are joined by Stephen Baylis as he shares his journey to finding sexual integrity, creating a new version of himself, and building his north star goal.
His journey is an inspiration to everyone to show what is possible in terms of growth in a person's life if you’re clear about who you want to be and what you want to do in your life. Listen to this week’s episode and learn more about how you can invest in yourself, have the freedom of choosing a different path, stay committed, and get to know yourself on a deeper level.
For everyone listening, know that wherever you're at whether you're struggling with porn addiction, masturbation, or whether you're in a relationship that feels strained, the reality is that most of us feel like we’ve tried and failed, but as long as you progress and keep holding onto your north star goal, you are one step closer to completing your quest.
High Noon Boot Camp
The North Star Goal
What the North Star goal means to Stephen
Working on yourself
Creating a bridge between what you want and where you’re at
Knowing and forming your identity
Building your confidence
Investing in yourself
The freedom of choosing a different path
What helped him focus on his North Star goal
Finding people to support you in being the new version of yourself
Figuring out how to build a life that you can be proud of
Episode Transcript:
Andrew Love
Welcome back to Love, Life and Legacy, a podcast dedicated to helping you navigate these hypersexualized times of ours. And today, I'm interviewing a guy named Stephen. This dude is really, really cool. I like him a lot. Call me biased but I've witnessed this guy go through this quantum leap of growth in his life in just three months. And I wanted to put him under the microscope to highlight what is possible in terms of growth in a person's life in just three months if they're clear about who they want to be and what they want out of life. He's going to help me explain the North Star goal, which I've already talked about so many times. But he's lived it, and he's seen the value of it. And so we're going to go through the process of how he formulated the North Star goal, how he implemented the North Star goal, and what he got on the other side of this process of living his future self. So if you're interested in, let's say, growing and being like a happy, super happy, healthy person, this is a great episode for you. So let's get into it with Steven Bayless.
Andrew Love
Welcome back, everybody. We have a special guest here. I've curated this human being. I picked him to be on this podcast because as you guys know, I'm obsessed with the North Star goal. I've been talking about it on the podcast, obviously, but pretty much every one-on-one call that I have. I created that High Noon boot camp, which is essentially just all about the North Star goal. I'm really obsessed with it. I believe that it's the key to quantum leaps of growth in your life. And I believe that what's holding us back from growing quickly is just a lack of clarity about what it is that we do want. And so, in my first boot camp ever, I had six little guinea pigs that I tried this experiment on. And so the boot camp, the thesis was this, if you had six people in a group who really wanted to grow a lot in three months and they all dedicated more time and more energy into their North Star goal than most people, then they would grow a lot more than most people. And what I found was that is pretty much true.
Andrew Love
One of my proudest moments was this, this man right here, you know, how much he grew. And he's now actually facilitating the second round of boot camps. And so I just wanted to pick his brain a little bit about why on earth he was able to grow so much, why he was able to see the North Star goal? And I want him to explain what the North Star goal means to him because I'm sick of explaining it. I'm getting worse. Every time I explain it, I get worse. So all the way from the United Kingdom, which is somewhere east of me, like due east. I think you're due east, the young man named Stephen Baylis, who is tall, can lift a lot of weights. He's a really cool guy. Welcome, Stephen.
Stephen Baylis
Thank you, sir. A pleasure to be here.
Andrew Love
And it's when you hear me speak and when you hear him speak, I know that you gravitate towards respecting him more because he sounds more austere. He's got this proper accent. I sound like a goofball. Stephen, how old are you? Let's start with that.
Stephen Baylis
I'm 24 years old. I had my birthday last week.
Andrew Love
So you're fresh 24?
Stephen Baylis
Yes, fresh.
Andrew Love
He is still testing it out. How does it feel to be 24?
Stephen Baylis
That's a good age. I like it. It's a good number.
Andrew Love
So I didn't know you at all before. Maybe three and a half months ago, I had no idea of your existence, probably vice versa. Then what attracted you to this idea of a boot camp? Why did you feel like you wanted to grow?
Stephen Baylis
It was actually suggested to me by my accountability partner, Nick Jones. Shout out to him. I didn't actually hear of it. And then he prepares that. I was like, oh, that sounds really good. And then it took me a while to actually commit to that. I thought I couldn't make it. I think I definitely regret not taking up that chance. I'm like, this is something that I'd love to just do and commit more because I felt in my past groups it is easy to get comfortable or to coast at times. I felt like this was a really good opportunity to switch it up and actually put more on the line.
Andrew Love
And how long was that between when you heard about it and wanted to do it, and when you actually committed when you were just struggling to actually commit? Was it like a week or two weeks?
Stephen Baylis
Oh, yes, I think so. Obviously, I can't remember. Let's say, it might have been more like two weeks. But I feel like I committed at the last moment, basically. It doesn't make me like that. It doesn't pay me in a great picture.
Andrew Love
No, that's important because that's where most people are at. They see this amazing opportunity to grow and then they're like, man, I should do that. And then they just continue to scroll or do whatever they were doing, and then they go back into their comatose state. So you hopped in, and then, you know, I worked with you a lot on the North Star goal. So I want to really understand, like, was it clear from the outset what you're committing to in terms of the North Star goal? Or was it something that became clear the more that you worked on it?
Stephen Baylis
Oh, I think both. It sounds like a cop-out answer but I think that's the truth. I was thinking about it a bit today. I think that was the starkest or the biggest difference from the other groups is, I felt like coming into, I felt a lot more deeply connected to my goal. And there was an emotional connection, which wasn't there previously. I think it's too easy to think logically, I should go like, oh, I should lose some weight, or I want to study X amount of hours a day. It doesn't actually move me at all. So I think that was the biggest difference. Just coming into this powerful goal. But then that did become clearer, and I felt that evolve throughout the process, and through ups and downs as well. It wasn't easy sailing. And I think just committing to the process, and committing to a North Star goal, and reviewing that week by week was definitely a big change.
Andrew Love
We don't want to get too personal but your North Star goal was really cool. And I've used it without your name, obviously, to give a great example of a powerful North Star goal. Because, first of all, what was it, if you don't mind saying?
Stephen Baylis
Okay. It's just behind you. So it's on my wall. It's a good reminder. So my North Star goal for the last three months was, "I'm worth fighting for. Rise up, warrior, and take on your life."
Andrew Love
Yes. So these are all words of the form of sentiment that produce a desire. Those kinds of words to me, would not work with me because we're different people. But for him, they're like, where he's at in his life. And the type of person he is, those words got him into the mode of, okay, let's do this. Let's make something happen. So was it more of, you creating a mantra like you had a certain desire in mind, and then you reverse-engineered it into a mantra? Or did you start with those words and then you figure out what they mean?
Stephen Baylis
I think the latter. So like, I'm worth fighting for is, I think, just what came up when I took that time to just listen to myself and just feel like, oh, what do I actually really need or want right now? A bit uncomfortable, because I felt like I haven't done that in a while. But that was definitely encouraged beforehand. And I think that’s one of the most important parts of setting the North Star goal is just taking that time to find that clarity, and not rushing it. After that, I was like, okay, who can do this? Who believes in their own worth? Who can fight for it? Who can rise up? And what kind of qualities does this person have? So I went about it that way and fleshed it out in that way, or found the details.
Andrew Love
I'm just trying to get it, so I need to pick your brain. So because I want everybody to understand the process that you went through. So did you figure out first where you were unhappy, and then you created this mantra-based off the opposite of that? Like, oh, I don't feel my worth so therefore, I'm gonna say a mantra where I do feel my worth. And then created a North Star goal based off of that?
Stephen Baylis
Yes, at least at that point, it was something I’d been putting off for a while. It's just actually working on my self-esteem and feeling that sense of worth. And I felt that it was too cool to pivot or to just ignore, and just focus on something else. I felt that I needed to do that. And then, obviously, yes, I can work backward. If I don't feel like this, obviously, my goal is to feel like that. And the mantra just helps. Each morning or just throughout the day, just repeating it and really meaning it. Yes, it helps.
Andrew Love
Amazing. So think about that, guys. When you're creating a goal, especially a North Star goal, it's good to figure out where you are at. First of all, where are you at? We talked about that a lot in our High Noon talks. This idea of like, we have high ideals a lot of times. We think of aspirations that we want to do. Big goals like, I want to be the best in this career or whatever. But there's this deep fear of admitting where you are in respect to that lofty goal or high ideals. But we hang out, Stephen, you and I with people. A lot of people end a lot of sentences with "...and for world peace." Something, something, something for world peace, right? That's cool. It's really cool. That's a really high ideal. It's a lofty goal. But it's also good to admit, and I am also 100 pounds overweight for whatever. My relationship with my friends or whatever is chaotic. That is absolutely not only fine, but it's fundamental. So you are first assessing your wants, that's part of the Northstar goal, like what do you want? But then the other part is, where am I at? And then you create this bridge between what you want and where you're at with this, I guess, this saying, this mantra that you created which is an I am statement. They are really powerful like I am this. This is the person I'm committed to being not. I want to be but at my core, this is who I am and this is what I'm going to discover. Because it's not about, I want to be this because that means that it's something outside of you. Whereas what you did was that I am this, which means it's in your bones, it's in your bone marrow, but you just have to dig after it. You have to search for it and unearth it, that you take it, you bring it out from the deep recesses of yourself and you bring it out to the surface. And that's the process of getting to know yourself. So guys, please, please understand that part of this process. I like that. Thank you for bringing that up, Stephen. This idea is that it's really important to look at where you're at. And so, you made this kind of I am statement, Stephen, but you didn't necessarily feel that. So how did that work? You started this boot camp with this strong statement of who you are committed to being, but you're not quite there yet. How do you bridge that gap? Do you fake it until you make it? Or what are you doing at that point, like at the beginning of this?
Stephen Baylis
That's a good question. And I feel like what helped a lot was just the statement in itself was empowering. So I think it gave me that courage to maybe change these habits or to affirm the identity that I wanted to like. I think it's both. At least what comes to mind just talking to you now is like, I felt like exercise working out was a big part of forming that identity. For every time I exercise, I'm like, yes, I feel empowered. I'm a warrior. It sounds very corny, but it works. I felt stronger. And just, even if you have a difficult week, or maybe a rough time, it's like finding those wins, I find those crucial. And that helps you build confidence because a big part of my goal was to be my own best friend as well. I was tired of being this harsh critic and just being like, you suck, and just like no, I can't. I don't want to live like this anymore. I wanted a bag myself. It was very cheesy, but if there's a stock of Steve, I wanted to go all-in on that stock. I would invest in myself this way. Yes, it is bit by bit. I don't like the phrase, "Fake it till you make it." I'm not sure if I did that.
Andrew Love
It's more nuanced than that. This idea of you affirming a belief that you don't yet have doesn't mean that you're faking it, because deep down inside, you know it. It's just that you don't fully have the belief solidified yet. It's different than faking it. That's what faith is, in a sense. Faith is, I think Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, faith is like stepping out into a canyon and building the bridge as you're walking. Just on faith. The bridge isn't there but it will be. Whereas like, you're going on faith that you will figure this out. And you don't have that full belief, but you're willing to go to a place and build that faith.
Stephen Baylis
Hmm, yes. At least, put me out there. Test me as well to actually discover if that's true or not.
Andrew Love
Yes. So I'm trying to give people a framework. You have somebody out there who, let's say, they've been working on their sexual integrity for a few rounds. They've been through High Noon, and they've seen some spikes of results but then they revert back to maybe some old habits. And they're almost reassuring themselves that it's not going to be okay. So was this the first group that you were a part of? Or had you already been working on your sexual integrity?
Stephen Baylis
I've been working on it for a while. So I feel like I could deeply relate to what you're saying if like spikes or just very long cycles. So I was introduced to High Noon, maybe two or three years ago. But I joined my group calls, I think, about over a year ago or about a year and a half ago. But yes, throughout that I had massive peaks and big crashes. So I can definitely relate to...
Andrew Love
So let's talk to that person because there's a lot of people like that of all ages. We have people in their 50s and 60s who are in similar situations, which in many cases is exacerbated because they have this added weight of feeling like they should have this figured out already because they're older. But I think that's just the trick that we all play. I should be better than this. I should be further along. So here you are. You've been aware of us for a couple of years. You've been working on yourself and your sexual integrity for about a year. And then you're given this opportunity to go all-in on yourself, and you form a North Star goal which is asserting a belief that you don't yet have. I'm setting the stage for you to explain, how is it that you didn't then just regress back to, you're excited before the quarter starts and like, this time is going to be different, and then it isn't? That was a very high possibility that things could have just ended up the same, but somehow they didn't, and you changed. So what is that about? What happened there that about this North Star goal that allowed you the opportunity to change? We're going to get into the changes that you did experience, and there were quite a few, and they were pretty big. I saw a lot of changes just in you and like, your self-assertion of who you are and like, oh, no, I don't do that. Things that you used to do like, oh yes, don't do that anymore just because you had actually changed. But I want to start at the beginning of these three months. You have every opportunity to doubt yourself or to doubt that this process will work. What allowed you the freedom of choosing a different path?
Stephen Baylis
I think I was just committed. I think just making and stating that North Star goal or declaring it, it came with such a big commitment. It wasn't even in my mind that I wouldn't give it my all like I would regress. It wasn't even in the picture. I think they thought God has a big part to play in that as I really felt like, God could give me confidence. Often I would say, God has my back like I'm God's champion. I think that gave me a lot of confidence when maybe I couldn't find it in myself. But yes, just starting the North Star goal moved me like lit a fire inside me.
Andrew Love
What about it? The idea of a North Star goal or the one that you created for yourself?
Stephen Baylis
The one I stated for myself specifically. Yes, I felt right when I was saying, yes, this is the right one. You just know the answers to your question.
Andrew Love
Yes, absolutely. So I'm trying to do a lot of the legwork for the people listening to that, wherever you're at, so this is whether you're struggling with porn, masturbation, or whether you're in a relationship that feels strained. We have a lot of married couples that are in difficult situations. And the reality is that most people feel like they've tried and failed so many times. This is on a deep level. They might aspire to change on some level, but deep down, they feel like things are going to end up the same. And I know that you've felt that too. But what, I guess, we dug out and discovered in this part of the conversation is that you are able to believe. You're able to find a belief that this time it's going to be different. And that's a definitive moment in anybody's life. That every single person who's ever lived has had that opportunity. The great people in history are the ones that really believe that this time, it's going to be different, or you know what, I could be great. From the St. Pauls of the world who were like, who could have harbored on the fact that he went around murdering Christians, and maybe he's not qualified to become a Christian himself. To any number of small players in history who just decided that today's going to be different. And that seems to be your story. So just for everybody out there, to understand the North Star goal, if you don't know, should have an idea of who you want to be at the end of those three months. And if not, then the chances are, you're going to be the same person at the end of the three months. But if you're conscious about who you want to be, and practice being that person, then you're much more likely going to be at least further along the road of being that person, if not fully embodying that person. And so Stephen took that opportunity to define who he wanted to be, and can you say it? Can you say it again, what that is, that mantra that you have?
Stephen Baylis
I'm worth fighting for. Rise up you, warrior, and take on your life.
Andrew Love
So you can see, listening to this, how you could customize that for your life. Like I am a wonderful parent or I am an amazing child of God, or I am a great employee. I am extremely proud of my body. I'm proud of my actions. I'm proud of the time that I use on my computer. I use my computer instead of it using me. You can adapt it to whatever you're dealing with. But it's a really clear present statement. How long did that take you to come to? We had that conversation about the North Star goal at first, and then how long did it take for you to come to that statement that was so powerful?
Stephen Baylis
Yes, about half a week. But I think the actual coining of it, I just went on a walk for maybe an hour or something, and I think that was enough time for a bit of reflection beforehand to just to find it.
Andrew Love
And did you put yourself in a what-if state of mind of like, what if life was great and you allowed yourself to go there? Or was it equal parts what if and I don't want?
Stephen Baylis
I think more so what if just like, yes, just imagining. Oh, what if I was really compassionate and understanding to myself. What would that look like if I made a mistake? But I picked myself back up. I didn't just weigh in on myself and just kick myself as I was down. What would that look like? And just like, visualizing that, and there are aspects just really helps. It created a strong emotional connection with her.
Andrew Love
Very cool. Now, let's go through the process. So that's the preliminary steps of forming that goal. But throughout the three months, you had some ups, a lot of ups, and you had some downs. What kept you focused on your North Star goal and moving towards fulfilling the prophecy that you made for yourself?
Stephen Baylis
I think the structure of the boot camp helped a lot. Just in terms of checking infrequently. I'm not sure if you mentioned it. We checked in three times a day. And yes, that was just very helpful because it's easy for a day to just slip by. And the frequent checking just prevents that. It's easy to catch yourself and be okay. That's the main point. You're training yourself. Am I engaged with my North Star goal? Am I aligned with this? And training that muscle is fine if you're not, or if you are. But being able to check in with yourself was crucial. I think otherwise, we could go by and I hadn't even thought of my North Star goal once. But that frequency was key, honestly.
Andrew Love
Yes. Okay, so before we continue, I just want to clarify to everybody that, that doesn't mean that you need to join a boot camp. You're definitely welcome to if you qualify. And qualifying means you got to meet with somebody, and we have them ongoing. But the metaphors or the activity can be free and clear of any group in particular. The point is that three times a day in our boot camp, and again, you could find somebody else. You could get an accountability partner, just find somebody in your life that you could check in with three times a day via text. We just have a Telegram group for the boot camp where everybody checks in three times a day, in the morning, during the day at some point, and then in the evening, to do an inventory of how engaged you were in consciously building your life as it pertains to your North Star goal. Specifically, am I becoming more of what I want? Or did I revert back to the person that I have been?
And what you're doing is you're not giving yourself a lot of room to veer too far off course. Because if the North Star goal is like your compass, that's where you want to be. So if you take a sharp right turn towards some stupid old habit that you have, then you only have a few hours to veer off track. Whereas if you don't have this practice of checking in multiple times a day, it could be days. You can be veering off track for days. And you can imagine how crappy that feels. So the activity of checking in multiple times a day, not, did I screw up or do I get a gold star? Or do I get a kick in the butt? No, it's more like, am I in line with the person that I'm committed to being? Or did I zone out? Or did I get confused? It's just so productive because that becomes a core skill that you develop. Were you just checking in throughout the day, am I doing the stuff that I was meant to be doing? Or am I wasting time on this planet? Okay, so the multiple times a day check-in helped. What else?
Stephen Baylis
One-to-one calls with you, they're also very helpful.
Andrew Love
Okay. So explain what those are all about.
Stephen Baylis
Yes, so once a week alongside after the group call, we would schedule a call with you. And then we talk to you for half an hour. It's just once a week, just about where you're at. And I think just having that call would help digest how the week had gone so far. And I think, also, I felt often that if I needed to hear something, or I felt like you often gave good suggestions or the topics you were talking about were quite helpful.
Andrew Love
Got it. So if you can imagine that these elements exist in the boot camp, but you can get these free and clear of a structured boot camp. One is checking in with somebody multiple times a day. We say three or more, but three is good and sufficient. A group call with other people who are also working on a North Star goal. So these are people who are growth-minded as well. And the focus of the call is the North Star goal, how you did last week, and what you want to do next week? And then a one-on-one call. By the way, they're scheduled for 15 minutes, but I always go over it because I'm a blabbermouth. But the purpose of that is that real clear focus time where it's just all about that one person's North Star goal, and to do a weekly assessment. So those three elements are really, really important.
Stephen Baylis
Yes. Obviously, you may not be available to all of our listeners. So I think maybe like an older brother, an older sister, like mental in this way. I think someone who can listen to, and someone you can be comfortable sharing with really is like who I would have in mind, if I'm outside of the structure, because I'm quite conscious of the things that I'm saying are very much tied into the boot camp. But they can definitely be. It's not exclusive to it.
Andrew Love
Yes, that's an important point. Because it shouldn't just be a boot camp thing, it should be a live thing. The boot camp is meant to be just an example of what life could look like, as a metaphor. But the other thing too is this, you're going to be trying out a new version of yourself. So you're going to need to be around people who are supporting you in that journey. Because if you go around certain people, they won't like the fact that you're changing because they're used to you being a certain way. And whether it's expressed verbally or subconsciously, they might just be holding you back. So finding some people to connect with that support, testing out being this new version of yourself is really important because it feels foreign because you haven't done this before because it's a new version of you. So I just wanted to express that. And so you were doing all this stuff, and which wall did you hit along the way, Stephen?
Stephen Baylis
Yes, I felt like, especially at the start. I said I should do this, or I should do that. Thinking of weekly actions, or what I'd want to do in the week is very much what I felt like I should be doing. For example, some of that was learning about finance or something. And they felt very forced in a way. But the beauty of the North Star goal and actually understanding that it's okay to chop and change how you get there that you can alter that. So actually, I realized quite early on that those didn't serve me and they didn't help. So I just discarded them. I don't think I've done that before. I think maybe sometimes I would set a North Star goal and have a few ways to get there. And they'll be really rigid that I'd have to commit to those, and if I stopped, I wouldn't have any integrity. But I don't think a North Star goal is that rigid or that inflexible. So that was quite a big turning point for me in terms of understanding what a North Star goal actually is.
Andrew Love
Yes, I like that. So if you can imagine, as a pretty accurate metaphor, that the North Star goal is your destination which is inside of yourself. Again, you don't want to be going outside of yourself. You're going inward. And then there are numerous roads to that ultimate destination. And each week, you're experimenting, finding the most, I guess, direct route to experiencing that. So yes, if you try something, it's really good what's called swinging for the fences which is like you go all out. And if you swing big and you miss and it was a total fail, but it's still a win because you tried. And you just dust yourself off and you try something else again. And so, what were some huge changes that happened in just three months?
Stephen Baylis
I think because you brought up snacking right, I think that was a tough, tough cookie. But it became quite apparent that that was by hindering me. So it's a very clear response to maybe stress or unstructured time. I would just go to this comfort of just eating food or eating some rice or something. But I could see that would reduce a lot as I went along. And it's a bit practical, but I think I put measures to stop that from being in place. I'm living with my mom, so I would often give her, if I had any snacks or something, I just give them to her. And she would just hide them or something. But it's just creating barriers. So more recently, I've tried just shutting the door to the kitchen and stuff like that, or putting things in the way seems like making it harder for you to do something that you know is not really healthy for you. It's the same with watching TV, sending out or offering snacks, and watching TV, and I realize actually that watching TV doesn't really serve me at all. So I just move the TV out of the living room and just tidy that away. That helped a lot actually. So I think after I stopped watching TV, I just stop snacking as often. But that was a very snacking tangent.
Andrew Love
No, no, it's good because when people have a habit, let's say, watching too much TV, then the tendency is to get really frustrated at yourself and hate yourself for watching too much TV. Try not to watch TV for as long as you can, even though you have a TV right in front of you. And then eventually go back to TV, and then feel crappy about yourself. That's the cycle that most people are on. And it's very emotional. Whereas what you were doing is your goal wasn't to focus on eliminating TV, your goal was to become somebody who you want to be. And in the process, you realize that TV was getting in the way. And it becomes much less of this, like a deep struggle, and much more, just the necessary step towards who you want to be, which is a completely different energy. Less like good and evil in this epic battle. It's more just like another step in becoming more of who you want. It's more casual, and therefore, it's easier to implement in your life because it's not so high stakes. It's just, oh yes, this is just a thing I need to do.
Stephen Baylis
Yes, definitely. I think as you find ways to affirm that identity or that North Star goal that you're trying to do, it becomes so much easier to discern what doesn't serve you and it becomes easy to just remove those things or make those steps because there's a clear purpose to think like waking up or something. It could be really difficult to just try and wake up early for the sake of it. And you could just struggle and just get really laid down and be frustrated about that. But if there's a clear adverse or anything, I think that helps. It's a different spin on things as well. And you can relate that to sexual integrity as well like focusing on a North Star goal helps you step away from the constant struggle with pornography and masturbation. It's not just you and this massive problem that now you have somewhere you're heading and it becomes easier to discard that and to find strength in where you're actually heading.
Andrew Love
Yes. And so let's get into, I guess, what happened towards the end? So you're going through this process where you're figuring out how to build a life that you can be proud of, and you're getting rid of some stuff. You're adding some stuff to your life. And so what is the net result of these three months? What occurred? What took place?
Stephen Baylis
Well, I'm proud of myself. I feel aware. I noticed a couple of weeks before the end of the boot camp and I was like, I'm alright. I feel proud of myself and I feel that sense of worth. That was really moving for me. So that I feel like I reached that North Star goal, so that was a huge thing. I think I found more confidence in myself. It's very easy to get stuck in the mindset of like, I can't do this, or I'm a bad speaker. For example, I thought you helped me challenge that. I want to become more confident. And then I thought to myself, what does that mean? If I'm confident, okay, what to do? What do I do with that? But the next step was sharing that or maybe helping other people too. I went outside of my comfort zone and volunteered to give talks or do these things. I think I would never have done that.
Andrew Love
Well, that was crazy. We had a talk on a Thursday, and I challenged you, hey, go talk to this guy and see if you can give a talk at one of his events that he has thought that it's a few weeks away. And then the guy's like, oh, yes. Can you speak tomorrow? It was such one of those God moments where there's this cosmic spark that took place. And the next day, you were put in a situation where you were allowed to rise up to the challenge. So it was perfect. There are so many opportunities when you're looking at them to step up. We're not usually looking for them. I remember you saying something that I have asserted many times just generally, but you said it specifically about yourself. You said, this is paraphrasing. It's strange, but it's like pornography has completely lost its grip on me. It's like I'm not struggling to keep it out of my life anymore. It doesn't even make sense for who I am now. And that's exactly what I've been saying, you know, it's possible. But when you said it, it was amazing. It was really amazing to hear somebody speak so specifically about how this process took place in their lives. So do you think that there's a strong correlation or a direct correlation between the fact that you felt more self-worth and the fact that porn had less of a hold on you?
Stephen Baylis
Yes, most definitely. Yes, identity again. Just who I want to be. Of course, now, so why would I do that? Then that sense of self becomes stronger, it becomes easier and easier to say no and to be able to stand up for yourself or to find that strength.
Andrew Love
Amazing. Now, on the other side of these three months, who have you become? Or how have you really substantially changed?
Stephen Baylis
I think the biggest thing is just that I'm excited about life, the future and the deepest change is the one that I'm most grateful for. I think before the boot camp, I felt like I was dreading the future a lot, or I was quite negative or harsh on myself. At the end of this process, that's like flipped around. But that was obviously bit by bit. But on the other side of that, yes, I just feel excited about the future and more confident that I can create a future that I want, and I have that strength.
Andrew Love
Yes, kind of macro-level skill set that you're able to understand that change is possible. And that you will be able to figure out a way to change and figure out how you want to change and what you need to do, and then you'll do it. Do you have anything else that you'd like people to understand about the North Star goal that we haven't covered before we go?
Stephen Baylis
Sure. I find it quite helpful. If I was maybe a bit stuck by asking myself, is there anything I'm avoiding? I thought that was quite a helpful question to ask. One of these was public speaking or putting myself out there volunteering. So then quite naturally, I did those things to challenge myself or to maybe build this or this resilience. And another one of these is my facilitating. I think that's part of the recovery process. I was listening to this podcast called Porn-Free Radio, it's talking about when you feel like you've recovered, then helping other people is part of that cycle, or as part of that process. And I felt that opportunity had come before, but I'd avoided it. And I think that led me to come back down and regress because I refuse to step out, basically.
Andrew Love
Good advice, people. Because sometimes, we're short on facilitators because there's a belief system that is too prevalent where people think that they're not qualified for whatever reason. But it's absolutely, it solidifies. The best way to understand is to teach. That it really puts it deep into you like the lessons that you need to learn yourself become much more evident when you, yourself, become a teacher. So Stephen stepped up and now, he's facilitating co with me, together, side by side to the next boot camp. We have two groups now. It's expanding. So please, you know. To help you understand the North Star goal more clearly if you have any questions, please reach out to me. Reach out to Stephen. Reach out to somebody. Reach out to God. But just don't not create a North Star goal. There's so fundamental to a happy and healthy life. Stephen, thank you for not only your time and for doing this but thank you for your hard work and for being a great example for others to follow.
Stephen Baylis
Thank you. Thank you for this opportunity. I'm so grateful just to be able to share. Thanks for all your support for these past three months.
Andrew Love
Of course. And then Stephen, why don't you end with, say your North Star goal in a deep, booming, powerful voice.
Stephen Baylis
I am worth fighting for. Rise up you, warrior, and take on your life.
Andrew Love
Take on your life, everybody, and see you next time.
Andrew Love
Hey, Andrew Love here, and I wanted to plant a seed in your mind before you go. You see, a lot of people when they start to consume our content, they listen to our podcast, they watch our videos, they read our blogs, they start to believe in the idea of freedom as a possibility for them and their lives, and it is. You can break free from porn, you can build amazing eternal relationships, but it requires you to make the jump. It requires you to commit to transformation. And that only happens when you invite other people into your journey. You see, a lot of people think that because I got into porn by myself, I can get out of it by myself, and that's the wrong thinking. It's not about simply removing a negative force from your life. It's about creating fulfillment and connection and intimacy with other people. So we really recommend, first and foremost, that you build a team of accountability partners, facilitators, group members, and we can do that. We have all that waiting for you. But you need to first reach out to us. If you already have people in your life that you think can help you, we have online courses that will teach you both how to create a dynamic that works in terms of accountability. But if you don't have an accountability partner, we already have volunteers who are waiting for somebody to help. We have groups that are waiting for somebody like you. But your role and your job are to merely reach out to us, and we can work together with you to create a powerhouse team so that you can build the life of your dreams. We look forward to hearing from you.