5 Signs of Manipulation in Marriage
Contributed by Sammy Uyama
Manipulation is a strong word. We use it to describe sinister behavior, an intentional form of lying in order to get what we want.
However, manipulation is far more common than we think. In fact, almost all of us engage in some form of manipulation in our relationships.
In the early 1960s, psychiatrist R.D. Laing used the mathematical models of game theory to analyze family relationships. His work is summarized in the 2007 BBC documentary “The Trap”.
He studied twenty “so-called normal families” in Britain, giving them complex questionnaires and analyzing what they say to each other moment by moment in their daily lives. He repeatedly asked them what they thought the other intended with a particular behavior. His discoveries were stark—that couples used everyday actions, many seemingly loving on the surface, as strategies to control, manipulate, and exert power in the relationship.
One of Laing’s colleagues commented on the study, “The family was an arena for strategizing. Love was a way in which one person tried to dominate another person.”
Laing’s findings are surprising and not surprising. It’s not surprising given the reality that the majority of us don’t really know the first thing about being genuinely loving towards one another. It’s surprising how he so clearly demonstrated the ways we game-theory our relationships in order to get what we want. Interactions tend to be transactional. Really, how often do we do something just for the simple purpose of loving our partner?
If 20 out of 20 rigorously studied couples displayed some form of manipulative behavior, then chances are high that we engage in them ourselves.
It’s understandable that so many of us engage in such ugly behavior. As Greg Baer thoroughly illustrates in his Real Love book series, we’ve spent our entire lives void of the unconditional love that we should have received since childhood. Not receiving that harmed us in two ways:
1) We never learned what unconditional love looks like or how to give it.
2) The lack of that love was so painful that we learned to settle for the alternative: trading.
Creating a truly loving, radiant marriage is possible, but it takes first seeing the fault in our current behavior. Otherwise, we’ll continue trading in an unending cycle of unhappiness.
Here are common behaviors that are used as manipulation. None of these are manipulative traits in themselves but are commonly used as such.
Extending and Withdrawing Approval
Approval from others is a lifeline for many of us. Without the unconditional acceptance we should have gotten when we were young, we instead learned to earn conditional approval. We became hypervigilant to how people react to our behavior. We learned to interpret the words they say, but also the most subtle cues that would indicate whether they approved of us or not—the slightest change in facial expression, tone of voice, body language.
Withdrawing approval (disapproval) is easier to spot because it stings when we’re on the receiving end of it. Anger is the most powerful form of disapproval. People snap right to attention when we’re angry and we get a rush from that power.
The tone we use when saying certain phrases can be equally as effective:
“How could you!”
“Are you really going out like that?”
“I’m disappointed in you.”
Even reading those statements will hurt for some people.
Nonverbal expressions like the eye roll or the sigh of indignation can be just as potent.
Extending approval to others is harder to see as a manipulation tactic because on the surface it looks so nice. However, compliments and criticisms are really just two sides of the same coin. They both focus on my opinion, my feelings, me. We lavishly dole out signs of approval as a reward for behavior that we like, and we bestow criticism to punish behavior we don’t like.
“I’m so proud of you” sounds great to hear, but it can also be a grand way of saying, “Your behavior pleases me.”
Cheering Up
When someone is in a low mood it’s natural, nay expected, that we try to cheer them up:
“Look on the bright side.”
“It could be worse.”
“Cheer up, buddy!”
These are phrases we use in an attempt to change someone’s mood. Why do we do that? Because we’re uncomfortable with people’s sadness.
Calming Down
This is the opposite tactic with the same goal as cheering up. When someone is angry we do whatever we can to placate them. Give in to whatever they want, agree with whatever they say. We’re afraid of people’s anger.
Obsession with Personality Tests and Character Archetypes
Each of us is different—different preferences, different characters, different ways of processing information. There are hundreds of methods that help us categorize and understand ourselves and others: zodiac signs, Myers Briggs, love languages, birth order, physiognomy, and many more.
However, when we use these descriptors to justify our behavior then it becomes a form of manipulation. Innocent comments like, “I have a hard time getting along with people because I’m a _________ (Virgo, INTP, first child),” can be subtle ways to garner sympathy in order to protect ourselves from criticism or justify socially unacceptable behavior.
Happy Wife, Happy Life
This has good intentions, but most often gets carried astray and negatively affects both husbands and wives. The point is to care deeply about each other’s happiness while recognizing that we aren’t responsible for our partner’s happiness.
The “happy wife, happy life” mentality can negatively affect the wife in two ways:
She can become entitled: She also falls for the false assumption that her happiness trumps her husband’s and develops expectations that he will make her happy.
She can become burdened: It’s a heavy burden to think you’re responsible for someone else’s happiness. A wife can feel guilty for her struggles despite the effort her husband makes.
In either case, both the husband and wife take on the assumption that their own happiness is dependent on their spouse’s. He’ll inevitably alter or censor his behavior to try and influence how she feels and vice versa, a form of manipulation.
Signals of Manipulation: Disappointment and Anger
So, what the heck differentiates loving behavior and manipulative behavior? It’s the absence or presence of fear and emptiness. Fear and emptiness are unbearable pains that we naturally try to fill in any way possible. When we’re empty and afraid we’re not rational. We’re unable to see things clearly and everything we do will be colored by our need to reduce our fear or fill our emptiness. Two clear signs that we’re empty and afraid are disappointment and anger. If we experience a fraction of either of these, then we have an expectation our partner is not fulfilling and we are likely to manipulate them in order to fulfill that expectation.
Closing Thoughts
In a loving relationship, it’s vital to care about a person’s happiness. However, caring about a person’s happiness is different from NEEDING or even wanting them to be happy. When we need someone else to be happy for our own sake, because it’s comfortable, safe, or whatever the reason, we instinctively modify what we say and do. We avoid talking about certain topics, we wait for the right timing before asking something, we butter each other up before asking favors. In short, we use a thousand tiny tactics to manipulate our partner in order to accomplish a desired outcome.
We can learn to be more loving. The crucial first step is seeing the truth of our present actions. As we reduce our fear and emptiness, we naturally develop more capacity to love others.
