#61 – The BEST Reason to Quit Porn | Benjy Uyama
You’re in this place of darkness. Somewhere you feel like you are getting lost but there’s this light that you know will guide you to the right path. Pornography is like a war zone, and we as soldiers must never let our guard down because once we do, we'll get shot. We'll get blown up.
Without realizing, this addiction is affecting your life right now in ways that you might not even realize. It’s impacting your life hugely, in which you might need to make a decision that is uneasy.
If you’re really genuine in quitting your porn habit, then this episode is for you.
For today’s episode, Benji Uyama laid out several questions that might also be in your mind like: What is your primary reason for wanting to overcome this porn habit and your masturbation habits? What is the impact of porn in your life right now? How does it affect your relationships right now with the people in your life? Are you truly serious about getting help?
By answering these guide questions, you’ll be able to truly determine your sincerity in quitting this addiction.
The primary reason for wanting to overcome porn and masturbation
Recognize the impact that it has on your life.
How porn impacts you
How the porn industry is skewing the way that we view ourselves and others.
Decisions you have to make with quitting porn
Unification and how every single human being is innately given a sense of genius.
Staying healthy physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually
Porn falsely creates temporary purpose in our lives and provides thrill and excitement that isn’t healthy.
What we can do instead to have a strong and healthy mindset free of porn
Episode Transcript:
Andrew Love
Welcome back to Love, Life and Legacy, a podcast dedicated to helping you punch negativity in the face and give positivity a giant hug as it pertains to sexual integrity. Today we have a real knockout for you. Benji Uyama just grabbed the mic, he was super inspired and he grabbed the mic, and he just went off. And this episode is all about him, laying out what it looks like when you're serious, when you really want to quit porn, when you really want a new life, what does it look like? Because he's been on the frontline with the Blessed Family Ministry, and also with High Noon. He's worked with a lot of young people as they're preparing for that very important stage in their life, when they're getting married, when they're getting blessed to each other. And he knows when people are doing it sincerely, and he knows when people are not, when they're lying to themselves or when they have false motivation. So Benji is really on fire, and please plug into that fire so that you can get clear on taking sobriety seriously, taking yourself to the next level seriously. Enjoy, Benji Uyama.
Benji Uyama
Hey folks, this is Benji Uyama, with High Noon. Welcome to the podcast. Today, I just turned on the mic, and I just decided to talk about something that is really important for anybody who is preparing for marriage or in a relationship, and wants to quit their porn habit, masturbation habit. And we're going to get into what is actually the best reason, by far the best reason to quit porn? So stick around for that. And what are some common reasons that I see that are maybe not actually the best reason to actually quit porn. Before we get into that, I want to give a little bit of backstory about why I decided to really dive into this topic and try to help people in this area. So for the last 10 plus years, I have been privileged to be blessed with my wife for 10 years now. Yeah, it's definitely the greatest accomplishment in my life, I think, just keeping her.
There's a lot to unpack, there's a lot that I've learned through the journey of marriage and being in a relationship, and intimacy and my own sexual integrity, which I'll get into in a bit. And I've also been privileged to be working with, for the last nine years, to be working closely with young men and women, single people who are preparing for marriage, to receive the marriage blessing. There's one thing that that keeps coming up over and over again, that I find very, very interesting when we really get into people's sexual integrity in their porn habits is, whenever we have started these conversations, and they often happened in group settings, for the last year I've had four different groups that I've worked with, and at the beginning of our group, when we start meeting, I always asked every single person, what is your primary reason for joining a High Noon group?
What is your primary reason for wanting to overcome this porn habit and your masturbation habits? What's interesting is that of the groups that I've done, 100% of them, I'm talking every single person said that their primary reason for joining the group is for the sake of their future spouse, for the sake of their future relationship, for the sake of to be a marriageable, and a good husband or a good father in the future. Now, on the surface, that sounds like an excellent reason to want to quit this habit. And it really is, we should really give credit to that. However, there's something that's really truly lacking about that being the primary reason, and the main reason is, is that in order to really address a heavy addiction or a bad habit like pornography, what it really comes down to initially is you have to be able to first and foremost, recognize that the impact that it has on your life.
The problem with putting the impact on your future self or your future spouse is that it's not relevant to you right now. And what will most likely happen, what happens to a lot of guys, men and women, and to happen to myself as well, is that you make that the primary reason. It motivates you for a certain number of months or a certain number of years, until you're in a relationship and reality hits, and you are in this infatuation phase and you love each other, and maybe you're having a really solid, intimate life with each other. And then you start arguing, and then you start going down these getting into whatever then suddenly you find yourself coming back to the bad habit, because you've put your guard down, and you finally have reached the end of your goal of saving yourself for your spouse.
So you're in that relationship and suddenly there's maybe some stress or tension in the relationship, and the easiest thing to fall back on, the easiest crutch to go back to is pornography. So this is what happened to me when I was preparing for marriage. I made it the most important thing for me was overcoming my porn and a lot of people in High Noon are as well, in terms of preparing for marriage. It was so important that I'd be cleaned for my porn habit. I really felt confident that I had this under my belt, and that I brought my whole self to my relationship with my wife. So for years, I was really clean. For three years, I had no issues with porn or masturbation. And then, we were blessed and everything's wonderful, and then maybe a year into our blessing, what I found very interesting is I really put my guard down. That's essentially what I did. I felt like this is not an issue for me anymore. It's something I can, I don't ever have to struggle with again.
Anyone listening to this knows that that's not a good mentality having because pornography, we're living in a war zone right now, we're living in a war zone with landmines and bullets flying by our heads constantly, all the time. And if we take one, make one misstep, or put our guard down for even a second, we'll get shot, we'll get blown up. And that's the reality of the porn industry and how prevalent it is, is that I basically really put my guard down. It was just prancing and happily running through a minefield, and before I knew I was really, really hit with a strong temptation to relapse. It was a very, very destructive experience for me. And I know that it's very, very common for people to experience it, and I think it was because my primary reason to overcome porn was for the sake of my future spouse, and nothing else.
And again, that is an excellent motivation path. I don't want to discredit that. But if that is the primary reason that you are, if someone is trying to overcome porn and masturbation, then I would really take a second look, and really challenge that and ask yourself, if there is anything under that that you're not addressing or asking yourself, and is there a better motivation and a better reason, a stronger reason? That's what I'm getting to, for my future is not a strong conviction, it's not a strong enough reason to overcome the habit that will push you through the inevitable roadblocks and stresses and cycles that we go through in our lives. It's not a strong enough reason.
So this just doesn't apply to single people, it also applies to married people. I was in a group with married men as well, and I was supporting them and facilitating the group. I asked them the same question, what is your primary reason for wanting to quit your porn habit? And they said, again, for their spouse, which I thought was excellent. It is a great motivation. But it's not enough. It's not strong enough. Usually, in most cases, that is not a strong enough motivation unless, of course, your spouse, your husband, or your wife is threatening you or you're in some ultimatum with somebody. But in most cases, that's not enough. And the reason that all of these reasons are not the strongest primary reason that I'm going to get to in just a second guys, is that when it really comes down to it, it's hard to see the impact that your decisions make on your future, or on a hypothetical situation that isn't right in front of you.
Some people can do that. Anybody who is able to take a vision or a dream or goal and make it an actuality, for the vast majority of us, it's hard to recognize how our daily habits and our daily actions affect us 10 years, 20 years into the future, especially if it is regarding something as addictive and insidious as pornography. This goes even when you're preparing for matching and blessing and for marriage, I was recently received an email from a sister, a young woman who is preparing for marriage, and she was in a matching process and engagement process with a man and considering marriage. They're considering getting the Blessing, and she emailed me saying that the guy has an ongoing porn problem that they're communicating about, and they're very open about discussing it and he's getting help.
He's doing the things that he thinks he needs to do. But at the same time, I'm just thinking, isn't it so sad that this man is not able to recognize the impact that he's having right now? Not the impact that's going to happen when they're married and having an intimate sex life, not in the future, not the impact it's going to make on your children or you descends or anything like that. We're not able to recognize how this porn habit is impacting us right now, and that is truly sad. That's the reason that the best reason that I want to get to right here, is the best reason to quit porn is for you. It is for you, for your sake.
I know it sounds counterintuitive, and it might sound a little selfish. But there's a reason for this, and there's a reason that having this motivation will not only will actually fuel you and push you to overcome the habit even more. Unfortunately, there are so many ways that porn affects us right now, that we don't even see it. You can ask yourself this question right now. What is the impact of porn on your life right now? Is it a waste of time? It's a huge time waster. It's wasted energy. It's a waste of focus. It's like we're in a constant cycle with a psychological battle with our own self thinking, do I do this?
All the time and energy wasted on this problem. And then when you do act on it, you just feel like a piece of garbage and all the distress and trauma that it's caused stress, that it's common is causing in your life right now, all of that. And not only that, but how does it impact your psychology and the way that you view yourself in the way that you view other people? How does it affect your relationships right now with the people in your life? Are you able to truly look at people in the eye in your lives? Are you able to look at your parents in the eyes, or your spouse in the eyes or people and just confidently talk to them and answer their questions and have deep discussions without feeling this need to hide something, or that you're somehow a disgusting creature of some sort.
It's affecting your life right now in ways that you might not even realize. It's affecting all of us. The porn industry in general is tremendously affecting the way that we view ourselves and the way that we view others. They think, even if you went in time, like 100 years ago, or 50 years ago even and you showed them the way that we are dressing, the way we're acting, the way that we're treating ourselves, the things that we're watching, the things that we're desensitized to now online, and shows and movies, people would be disgusted years ago. People would be absolutely horrified that people are walking around with phones, phones with basically instant access to to softcore/ hardcore pornography all the time.
There's no question that the porn industry and the general over sexualization of our culture has tremendously impacted all of us in ways that we don't realize. And if you're in the middle of a battle, a war with your own porn habit with your own mind and body, then that means you're really walking through a minefield. You truly are, we all are. So that's really the thing that we want to get to here, is recognizing how it's impacting you in your life right now, as we speak. And so there are two questions that we usually ask folks who are in a High Noon group, and anyone who comes to me asking for porn advice, or saying: What do I do? There's two questions I start with. Number one, do you think you have a problem? Do you really think that this is a problem?
And number two, if so, are you serious about getting help? Are you truly serious about getting help? And if you are serious about getting help, there's usually something that you can do that's more than what you are doing right now. The reason I asked this question: Are you serious about getting help? is because many times, we do and people do, go through a program or make/take action with the underlying, maybe subconscious thought and desire to just do the minimal amount of effort to feel like we are doing something, but not really willing to get rid of the issue at its core.
It's really scary to confront this because if porn is an addiction or habit for you, it becomes like a friend, like a buddy or a crutch that you go to whenever you're stressed, or angry or tired, or you've worked really hard and you think you deserve something. It becomes a crutch that we lean on for support and to really get honest and say: Yeah, I have a problem. I need to do something serious about this. That takes a lot of courage to do that, to actually get rid of the issue at its core. And so that's what it takes, that's honestly what's going to take, is there's going to be at some point in your journey with sexual integrity that you're going to have to decide to do that one thing that you know, you don't want to do, but you know will have the greatest impact to get rid of this issue at its core.
We all have that thing that we need to do. We all have it. It could be a relationship. It might be a relationship with somebody that you need to heal, or a conversation you need to have with somebody, or somebody that you need to tell. Some kind of relationship needs to be addressed here in your life, maybe it's with a parent, maybe it is with your spouse, maybe it is with a sibling of yours. But having that human conversation with that person, an ongoing relationship, not just a one time thing, maybe that's really the thing that is going to kick you into gear to make this a serious priority in your life and not just a: I'm fooling myself by watching or listening to this podcast.
If you're listening to this podcast, and you're just like: I just want to stay hidden and just do the minimal amount of effort to make an impact, honestly, you're fooling yourself. Because if you really want to get rid of the issue, if you truly do, then that's what's going to take. If you just have the issue and you think it's no big deal, well, you obviously don't understand the impact that's having on your life. But I think if you think a little bit more deeply about it, you'll realize that it'll just bring you to your knees to realize how much impact this is having on your life, and how much impact it is right now affecting other people, not theoretically in the future, how it's affecting your future spouse or future kids or whatever. It's affecting you right now, for sure. It's affecting all of us right now.
So look into your relationships and figure out, what's the one thing I need to do that would transform or have the biggest impact on this habit for me? Maybe it's a habit you need to change. Now this is getting interesting, if you have a habit that you know that you need to change or get rid of, that would have a great impact on you, for example, maybe it's YouTube, this was a big deal for me. I remember I did a two week or one month, no YouTube challenge. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. It sounds silly but maybe YouTube is a huge trigger for you. And if you can just do that, turn it off, like cold turkey no YouTube, then maybe that's the one thing that you need to do but it's also the thing that you don't want to give up because it's like a crutch. You lean on when you're sad or stressed or tired, whatever, just do it. Just make that change and do it for 21 days, and see how you feel.
It might make a huge impact in your life. Or Instagram, delete Instagram. I don't honestly don't know why anyone does Instagram, I can't figure it out. Especially young men who I talked to, they're always like: Oh, it's Instagram, it's a huge trigger. But then, get rid of it. For most people, there's absolutely no reason to be on Instagram whatsoever, so just get rid of Instagram. This podcast is not sponsored by Instagram, obviously. Alright, so other habits you can do, maybe you need to connect with somebody every day, this is huge. If you can have give and take with somebody about your struggle every day, that will just about guarantee that you will be going in the right trajectory, that right upwards trajectory of seeking recovery and healing.
Because what you're doing is you're sending a strong signal to your brain. If you do this one thing that you know you don't want to do but you know would impact you, if you do that on a daily basis, it will send a strong signal to your brain into your body that things are changing, things are different things are not business as usual, and things are getting better. It takes that signal to actually rewire your brain and kick you into gear to actually make change. So decide right now, what habits do I need to change? Do I need to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier? Then do that, just do it. Whatever it takes guys, your sexual integrity is probably one of the most important things in your life, especially if you are preparing for marriage or in a relationship.
This is impacting your life hugely, so make a decision that you know you need to do but might be a little bit uncomfortable. Maybe you need to join a call, a group: High Noon group. That's tons and tons, literally hundreds of people have been going through that and it's seriously impacting people in a tremendous way, in a truly deep way. Another thing that you can do guys, and the main thing I really wanted to get to here is to really change things up, is how can you uncover your passion for life, something in your life? This is something that I know Sammy and Andrew have talked a lot about, is having a North Star goal, what is the one thing that you could do everyday that would just excite you so much, that lights you up that you can't even wait to get up in the morning and you can't sleep at night because you're just thinking about this one, like passion of yours, what is that one thing?
When was the last time you felt that kind of passion? Whatever it may be, it doesn't have to be as intricate as saving the world or developing a life changing this or that, or anything. It doesn't have to be that. What is something that really just makes you so excited about life? And some examples would be with my past groups, one guy wanted to learn a really complicated song on piano and that just got him so excited. One guy wanted to do a live concert on Instagram or with his family. One guy wanted to learn how to dunk a basketball and that got him excited just training for it and figuring out how to do it, and asking people. And one guy started a blog, just writing a blog and sharing his blog with people.
These are ideas that if you start something like that, those are just some examples from some guys, but whatever it is that you want to do, if you do that then you are setting yourself up for victory because you're not only just getting rid of a habit, but you're filling your habits and you're filling your energy, and you're focus with something that is really exciting, and really helpful to you and to the world. So the reason that this is so important is because pornography as we know, it's a terrible habit. It's draining like we've covered, it's so distracting, it's so energy consuming.
The reason that a Northstar goal or uncovering your passion for life, is it gives you energy, it gives you inspiration and that kind of energy that you might have lost along the years when you were a kid. Think about when you were a child like 7, 6, 5 years old, what is it that excited you so much every day, every morning? And maybe if you look at that, it might give you a little hint because the reality is that unfortunately most people, most of us have been led down a path since we were very young from kindergarten through grade school, through college university, grad school, whatever worth joining the workforce, we've been led down this path of just constantly doing what we're supposed to do with our lives.
The reality is that it consumes so much of our energy and time that by the time we rest our heads at night when we come home, the last thing we want to do is really focus on the things that are truly inspiring and important to us, like our passion. Instead the first thing we want to do is just lie down and watch YouTube, or watch porn or whatever. And this is a terrible, terrible habit that we've unfortunately developed over many years. So you've got to figure out what is it that you truly are here to do? What are you born to do? What is it that just lights you up, and just does that every day. If you're familiar with unification thought, in unification thought it states that every single human being, all of God's children are innately given a sense of genius.
Everyone is born with the potential to be a genius. Not a genius in the sense of a math whiz or anything like that, a genius in the sense that every single person has the ability to use their skills, uncover those skills and those passions, and make a tremendous impact and offer those skills to to serve the world. Every single person is innately given that potential, and it specifically states, even people with disabilities, even people with mental handicap, anyone, every single person. So if you can try to start uncovering that sense of passion and liveliness, and maybe even childish behavior in you, then it'll be so exciting for you.
For me personally, I really, really enjoy making this kind of content for you guys. I can't even sleep, I honestly can't sleep like I wake up in the morning and I can't go back, I'm just thinking about what I can do to help. What I can share from my experience that will help somebody and it comes in lots of forms, videos, this podcasts episode, so I send random videos to people just like one video, personal messages because it just excites me that maybe I can help somebody based on my experience, or my experience working with people in this and doing the same situation, or something I've been through myself. So that really excites me and it's just what fuels me.
So the analogy that we use with porn is with junk food. If you think about porn as junk food for your spirit and your sexuality and your body, it's not enough to just try to not eat junk food. If you just say: I'm not going to eat junk food, I'm just focused so much on not eating junk. For one, we're actually putting more light on the junk food, because we're just thinking about not eating junk food, but also it's important to replace that food with something that will actually nurture you and actually fuel you to become a healthy individual. So organic food, and the more you find those foods that are truly healthy and delicious, that's the key here guys: healthy and delicious, then the junk foods be like an app like: That's gross. I don't even want that anymore. I don't even want to entertain the idea of consuming that anymore because this delicious and healthy food is so good.
The key again is delicious and healthy. If you just eat healthy food, all that broccoli and chicken every day all day, then it's not fully nutritious and you're going to get bored of it. The same goes with your habits and your passion, whatever you do with your days and with your free time. What is it that's so exciting to you and it's also healthy for you? Healthy in the sense of mentally, healthy physically, healthy spiritually, and it's something ideally that you can pass on to other people or something that you can you can help other people with down the road.
All right, so that's what I really wanted to leave you guys with is, what is my "why"? What is your "why" and your reason, your motivation for quitting your porn and masturbation habit? It's not enough to just make it about some hypothetical situation. It's how it is affecting or impacting your life right now? How is it affecting your health, your mindset, your psychology right now? And then how do you actually change your habits, your daily routine a little bit just to maybe add a little bit more excitement, energy and thrill into your life? This is what porn has done really well guys. Porn has been able to fill a void of thrill and excitement in our lives for temporary purposes. Porn is a very temporary solution for fulfilling a very innate need we have to experience thrill and excitement and passion in our lives. And for us to use that passion to serve the world, to help others to have a family, to create energy, and it's the energy of life that makes this issue of pornography not so appealing anymore.
The more you can fill your time and your energy, your downtime, I know we're all busy, we've all got things going on. But whenever you have downtime, or whenever you're on the toilet or whatever, even when you're driving your car, even when you're asleep, what is it just filling your mind with things that are so exciting to you. Maybe it's your relationship with your spouse, maybe it's your children, how can you really just be the best parent that you can be? Maybe you want to start a business, if you want to start a business, there's million and one ways to start a business right now. Just think about it, start it, what is the one thing that you can contribute, that you can help this world with, and just let that consume your mind and your spirit and your time and your focus.
That's a very, very healthy alternative to letting the destructive nature of pornography just consume our mindset and this constant cycle of relapsing and fighting back and struggling. Imagine if you could just stop fighting for a day, imagine if you could stop fighting this constant struggle. And imagine if you could just, instead of walking through a minefield, you're actually walking through a beautiful garden with people who support you, genuinely love you, and are there for you, and God is there. You're just able to feel love all the time. It doesn't have to be that you, yourself, are running through a minefield, a warzone, with bullets flying back and forth.
It is if you let yourself be on those platforms that I've mentioned here, it can be that but it doesn't have to be that.You can take yourself out of that situation, you can take yourself in a realm that is just way more exciting and way more thrilling. I cannot sleep anymore. When I think about my kids or my wife, or I think about you guys, I think about the world, I think about God, I cannot sleep. Honestly, I can't and I can't stay asleep in the morning because I keep thinking, How can I do more? How can I serve more? I just feel tremendously blessed. It's not just that I'm blessed, and I'm somehow privileged, every single person, all of you, if you're listening to this, you are blessed, you're privileged to have something in your life that only you have.
You are privileged to have something that only you can give, some gift, some passion, some compassion, anything in your life that you've experienced and you've overcome, especially if you've overcome it, you have an opportunity to let that just become the most exciting and thrilling thing of your life, and you can bring that energy into your marriage, into relationship. Imagine if you could be this couple that I was talking about before, who is right now really struggling about what to do and the sister doesn't want to go through with the matching process and the blessing, because the brother has this ongoing porn habit.
Imagine if you could come into your relationship, your future relationship or current relationship with that energy of just knowing, having clarity about who I am. Having clarity about what sense of genius and contribution do I have that God gave me. If I can bring that energy and that spirit into your relationship, man, it's a completely different ballgame. It's a completely different game than just fighting, just swimming against the current. All right, I just wanted to share that with you guys. And I hope this was helpful. Please reflect on this, spend some time to really recognize the impact that porn has in your life, and also fill your refrigerator with some really delicious and organic and healthy food. Okay, thank you all. God bless
Andrew Love
Hey, Andrew Love here, and I wanted to plant a seed in your mind before you go. You see a lot of people when they start to consume our content and listen to our podcast, they watch our videos, they read our blogs, they start to believe in the idea of freedom as a possibility for them and their lives, and it is. You can break free from porn, you can build amazing, eternal relationships but it requires you to make the jump. It requires you to commit the transformation, and that only happens when you invite other people into your journey. You see, a lot of people think that because I got into porn by myself, I can get out of it by myself, and that's the wrong thinking. It's not about simply removing a negative force from your life. It's about creating fulfillment, and connection and intimacy with other people. So we really recommend first and foremost, that you build a team of accountability partners, facilitators, group members, and we can do that. We have all that waiting for you, but you need to first reach out to us. If you already have people in your life that you think can help you, we have online courses that will teach you both how to create a dynamic that works, in terms of accountability. But if you don't have an accountability partner, we already have volunteers who are waiting for somebody to help. We have groups that are waiting for somebody like you, but your role and your job is to merely reach out to us and we can work together with you to create a powerhouse team so that you can build the life of your dreams. We look forward to hearing from you.