#85 - How to Deal with Crushes
Have you ever caught yourself smiling because someone has crossed your mind? If yes, maybe you've already been crushing on someone. And don't be so surprised if you're noticing some changes in how you behave. There were moments where you feel intense emotions just by hearing his or her name, or sometimes you're too excited or you're too anxious. You even feel butterflies in your stomach whenever they are around.
But have you ever wondered: Where is this coming from? Why am I feeling this way? and how is this feeling connected with God?
Sometimes we become infatuated with different people here and there. But did you know that when we have feelings over someone, those feelings are not actually about that person, but instead, it’s telling us something about ourselves? These feelings tell us that we are longing for connection and intimacy. So how do we handle them?
In this week’s episode, Andrew and Carina share with us how they dealt with crushes and explain why this is happening. These feelings seem innocent and normal yet it should be something to pay close attention to because if we don't know what to do with them, and we misinterpret the feelings, it can make our lives very complicated, or worse, terrible.
Crushes are an indication that you admire someone, and there's a good quality in them but it is often driven by emotion. It’s only an idea and the feeling of being in love yet we all know that having love without commitment is a disaster.
So, join us in this episode to master this concept of crushes and make something good out of them, and turn them into something productive to learn the process of controlling yourself and your feelings.
Mastering the concept of crushes
Navigating your emotions and understanding them
Dealing with obsessive crushes
Unity with the mind and body
Why prayer and meditation is good
The difference between crushes and love
How an accountability partner helps you
Helping someone in the process of overcoming a crush
Episode Transcript:
Andrew Love
Welcome back to Love, Life and Legacy, a podcast dedicated to helping you navigate these hypersexualized times of ours. In today's episode, Carina and myself are delving into the topic of crushes. And the reason is this, we think that crushes are just for little kids when in fact, they happen throughout our lives. Sometimes we become infatuated with different people here and there, and if we don't know what to do with them and we misinterpret the feelings, it can make our lives very complicated. In some cases, make it very, very terrible. So if you want to avoid that, if you want to be able to master this concept of crushes and make something good out of them and turn them into something productive, then listen to this episode. It's actually really important. I think everybody at some point in time has had a crush on somebody else. If you didn't know what to do then, you sure will now, so let's get into it.
Welcome back, everybody. We're trying something new today, and we're going to call this the bread experience because Carina is from the South of America, I'm from Canada so we're meeting in America. We're like the buns of a burger, and this is the first time that this has really happened. We're taking over this country, and we're doing this collaboration. As you know, Carina has been doing the Spanish ministry and she's like the Spanish wing of High Noon and doing a whole podcast in Spanish. She's also been doing episodes for us in English, representing women. And now we're going to do a collaboration, two worlds coming together. It's centered on what Carina? What is driving this conversation?
Carina
Yes. Thank you, Andrew. Hello everyone, nice to see you again. So today, I want to talk and invite Andrew to talk with me about crushes because this has been a very big struggle for me in my life. I have received many people recently that have talked to me about crushes and their struggle with crushes. I think this is not something that just a few people struggle with, many sisters and brothers who are in the process of overcoming their crushes or going through a crush, so it's good to talk about it and see how we can interpret these feelings of crushes.
Andrew Love
Yes, I guess we use that word when we're younger. But that feeling of a grand dicing somebody, longing for them and thinking that they are something that doesn't go away when you're an adult. I think we just don't call it crushes. It's definitely like, I was talking to a guy who's married. He has two or three kids, and he was struggling with this woman at work. Whenever they meet in the kitchen space, when he's going to go get a coffee and he sees her, he clams up because he's got these feelings, these strange feelings about her that he doesn't know what to do. It's good to understand regardless of your age that you can navigate these emotions and understand how to make them work for you, instead of turning into this awkward mess of a human being. Because if you can't work with them, it's easy to let them take over. I also heard from this one guy, he knew a guy that was married. He's older, he's in his 40s at that time and he was going to work one day. And one day, this woman looked at him and gave them that look like this, and he was like his heart flooded and said, Oh my gosh.
She felt so much for her, and so he took the same route to work every day to try to find that woman and became obsessed. He's a married man with kids and everything, but it became his obsession. It can really get to you if you don't understand it if you don't know how to deal with these emotions, and this is a great topic and I don't think we've ever really covered it in detail. So Carina, share with me some of your knowledge on the topic because it sounded like, please let me know about your own experience. I remember you saying something that you're a crush machine growing. You've got a lot of crushes on people. What was that about?
Carina
I didn't know why specifically but I have two types of crushes. I don't know if that's something that other people relate with. But from one side, I will have a crush on people who are friends that were close to me. So if I have a friend with a brother, even in school or in church, if we are close, I will start to have a crush on him which is very annoying because he never allows me to create a real friendship. Because every time we get into a friendship, I will start to have feelings for that person. That's one type of crush that I had to deal with. It was very sad because I always had to cut our relationship before really creating a nice genuine friendship.
Andrew Love
How would you do that? You just kick them out of your life? How would that happen? You'll start to have a crush on somebody and you'd notice it, and then you just stop talking to them, or how does this work?
Carina
Funny story, one time I had a crush with a classmate in high school, and I went to him and explained to him all the fall. Explained to him why I have a crush on him, and why I cannot be with him. Even at work, he was like, what? I don't recommend that path, definitely.
Andrew Love
Scared the crap out of the kid, and then he never talked to you again.
Carina
Yes, but for the other ones, I just start the intentional decisions to take a step back. The other type of crush I had was one that was more of an obsession. Before I was [inaudible], I was really getting ready to become a candidate. There was this person and I thought God told me he was the one, and by the way, it's not Robert. I thought he was the one, I was like: Okay, this is a person. I will wait for him for the rest of my life because he's the one. But at some point, I realized that it wasn't healthy because I didn't really know that person and besides that feeling, I didn't have any sign from God or from myself that he was the one actually. I needed to go through the process of really having this person get out of my mind if I really wanted to become a matching candidate. It was a whole year of working on myself to be able to take it out because every time I will have free time or I'm walking or traveling or I'm not really focused on something, I'm always thinking of him and fantasizing about our life together. It is bad but when you get to that point, it's really hard to change and get out of there.
Andrew Love
When you think about this guy now, do you have any feelings whatsoever for him at all? Have they completely disappeared?
Carina
They have completely disappeared now. I get to a point that I hate him.
Andrew Love
It's an important point, though, because those people that you have a crush on, you look back and you're like: I have no feelings for them in hindsight. That's a really important lesson, how fickle and temporary these crushes are, and how little they actually mean, and the scale of things. In terms of real meaningful decision making, the idea of: I have a crush on this person. I have feelings for this person. Guess what, feelings change every second, so don't rely on feelings.
So what did you do during that year? Just curious, you are struggling every time you close your eyes and you're trying to go to bed, you picture being on a horse next to this guy who's on another horse and you guys are going down the beach. How do you deal with this obsessive crush situation?
Carina
It was very funny because he wasn't even in my own country so we were not talking, we were not physically together but it was just that they thought that he was the one. I think the problem was that I intervened, I have allowed myself to fantasize on our future together. So put me on a hill that my brain just gets obsessed with because when you have these feelings and you have a crush or you're in love, your brain generates dopamine. It's the same way of being drugged, so it was really hard to get out of there. I remember that I prayed for these conditions, I was really trying to claim myself and being strong with that, against that. What helped me was actually at the start to just connect with myself and with God, and accept the fact that I have those feelings. I was just not looking at the pink elephant in the room but just accepted the fact that he was there and tried to focus on other things.
Not saying like, I shouldn't have been thinking about that, I shouldn't have been thinking about that. Judging myself because of the elephant, think the elephant was in the room. But little by little, giving less importance to my life is something that I still get ready and prepare myself for the matching even if we have that, a little bit little it will go away. I think it was just a matter of time and just a matter of me letting go and accepting that he probably wasn't the one. Here's where I generate the theory that I think we receive some signals from our spirit when we have a crush and we have feelings over someone. That those feelings are not actually about that person, but it is telling something about ourselves. Those feelings actually are telling us that we are longing for connection and intimacy. We are not getting that right now, or we're not really looking and searching for that.
So you can get the same result by trying to find it from a different source, instead of trying to find it from this fantasized future. As well, we sometimes get easy when it gets to a point of feelings and fantasize now because we really don't connect with the present. We want to avoid the present so we allow our imaginations to go to the future, and to get to this place of feeling some thinking that we are in love by this imaginary person because most of the time it's our imagination who we are in love with and not really the person that we think we are having feelings for.
Andrew Love
So this person gives you a feeling and then you associate that person with that feeling, and then you almost put them on a pedestal as they're the gateway to that feeling and you need them for that feeling. All this is happening without your conscious awareness, that makes sense. And so you in this situation weren't really seeing this guy a lot so it just faded away, I guess after a year. But the people that you're talking to are the ones that you mentioned before we got into this, you were saying to seize the person alive. So that's a different situation because one is like the person fades from your memory because you're just not seeing them. But what happens when you're face to face with this person constantly? How do you deal with that situation?
Carina
Yes, that's hard. I think my recommendation to this person or any person who is going through that is that anytime you pass by and you have this feeling like, I wish I can talk with him or have this connection or get closer with him, stop and what do you want to get from that experience? What do you want to get from that experience of being closer with him? Most of the time, the answer is I want to feel love. How can I get the same feeling of being loved without trying to get it from there, and accept the feeling just like the weather? Just like the weather, you don't judge the weather. Just see that knowledge, the word of knowledge, the feeling there, don't judge it. But don't make it weaker either. Don't allow yourself to make it weaker. Just a knowledge that it is there and accepted it as what it is, it's just a feeling.
Just a thought, that's not yourself. Better requires a lot of self-control and a lot of knowing yourself, and actually being in that position is actually very good for you because it will allow you to get closer to the first blessing which is unity with the mind and body connected with God. That process of trying to get control of yourself and your feelings, and knowing yourself is actually a process of going through the first blessing. It is actually overcoming these struggles, these internal battles are the perfect training for the foundation to the second blessing so it's not bad. It's not because you have a crush, you're out and you're going to go to hell. But it's actually great training to get a foundation for the next step. I don't know, what do you think, Andrew? What about your experience with people about this?
Andrew Love
Yes, it's always connected to something else. The fact that you are associating this person with a feeling, as much as you can separate your feelings and your vision of somebody else, the more that you can make sense of it, and it's hard to do it. Because in the beginning, it's all just like this soup. This person is a soup and they just give you this feeling, but you're not looking at the ingredients of what made this soup. I just know it personally that again, it's not necessarily a bad thing but it's a misinterpretation of when you feel something for somebody, and it's a crush. Let's say you have a crush. It's an indication that you admire this person, that you like this person, that there's some good quality in them that you like. But usually, a crush is the selfish taking of that, you want that thing that they embody. That feeling that they give you is very selfish. You don't really care about them or their future when you have a crush, you just like something about them and you want it. Like this really fat person who just really wants food and doesn't care what it's made out of, he's just like, get it in me.
It's the same kind of really unquenchable thirst for experiencing that feeling because you can't be highly emotional and logical at the same time, you just can't. So crushes are not logical. The idea is like, when you have a crush, I like what you're saying is to not freak out, not get too worried or too self-critical. But to step back and start to look at what's going on? Where are you at? What are you missing out on in your life? And what are you attributing to that person, like they're going to be my savior, they're going to give me this feeling. You can produce that feeling yourself if you're smart. And you take time to kind of learn about yourself but it's easier in hindsight. We're talking about it from a very mind-oriented vantage point, but emotions when they take over, good luck doing anything other than feeling that emotion.
But to me, that's why prayer is good. That's why meditation is good because you're slowly separating yourself on what you're experiencing. You can look at it from a bird's eye view and say: Oh, this is what's happening. But when you're in it, you have no choice but to just feel it. But I've had crushes even as an adult, you meet somebody really cool and you're like: Wow, what would it be like to be married to them? As a beginning thought or notion, it's really harmless and childish. But if you do feed it, like what you're saying, if you feed that then it's going to get stronger, and then it can turn into an obsession. At that point, you're like, if I'm putting energy and emotion into this fantasy, what am I taking that energy away from? And if you're in a relationship like me, it means I'm taking energy away from my wife that I should be having these fantasies about my wife, but I'm taking that energy and I'm putting it into somebody else. But it's harder when you're single because all you have is an idea about the future and what marriage is like and all that stuff. So it's all speculation anyway. But you know that better than me.
Carina
It still is a waste of energy even when you're single, because it doesn't take you anywhere. This is a part where I think the heart is very sensitive, and when you allow yourself to get connected with these fantasies and feelings, and then if this is not in a protected relationship, this is going to crash sooner or later and it's going to make you feel horrible. It's going to hurt you. In the heart, it's going to hurt. So it's just like a bomb of time because I suffer so much that I almost have negative feelings. But I needed to go through that process of really going through suffering from it, which maybe not everyone goes through, and then allows themselves on it. But at the same time, I think it's unhealthy to see in that way of that negative. I think we can see it from a healthcare perspective. If we think about them as something that we can learn from that is telling something about ourselves, but as you said, when you are with feelings, it's really hard to look with a rational mindset. That's why I think it is so important that when you have a crush or feelings for someone, to say it to someone, I think it's really important to report it. Not to the person, that's not a good idea.
Andrew Love
Yes, that's the recipe for an explosion to happen.
Carina
Yes.
Andrew Love
No, I agree. To tell somebody because that's the biggest problem with dating as we know it is that you have two people who are drunk off of emotions, who are creating a dynamic completely driven by emotions, and there's nobody who's sober like a third party to help guide it. In the 60s, especially in the 60s and 70s, what they did was they separated parents from the equation of dating so it's just like: I like you, you like me, let's make something happen. But it's completely just emotions running that they're driving that ship, which means that it's a disaster. You're eventually going to crash that ship. But if you do have somebody outside of those emotions, you can look logically at the situation and be like, maybe slow down, or maybe that person isn't exactly the way you think they are. Or maybe they know that person, and you're like: You like that person? They can give you a different perspective that you cannot see when you're driven by emotion. You just can't. Not for a period of time. They say that idea, that feeling of being in love, that euphoric feeling of being infatuated, has a shelf life of about 18 months. When you're still in that because you guys have been blessed, I think less than 18 months you guys are in that. But it just expires at a certain point, and so during that time, it's hard to see. You just can't. I can tell you a million things about your husband, and he won't be able to really see them because you are still really lovey-dovey with them, and that's a good thing. It's time to settle but when you have a crush, yes to tell somebody, especially an adult who's been there and done that, they can be like: Oh yes. They can calm things down a bit because you get swept up in emotion and you end up doing some very irrational stupid things. Again, you just can't even see outside of that emotion.
Carina
Yes. You think as well that that's the only person that can make you happy.
Andrew Love
Yes.
Carina
Yes, definitely. But what is the difference between crushes and love? That's something that I think is really important to distinguish. Or infatuation, feelings in being in love, and the real love, what is the difference?
Andrew Love
The feelings of love and love are different based on action. Sometimes love has no loving feelings connected to it whatsoever. When your child is sick and vomiting at three in the morning and you take care of them, I don't feel in love at that moment. But that's love. It's a loving action. So the feelings are connected with love and the actions of love are sometimes two very different experiences. And again, when you're infatuated with somebody when you've got a crush on somebody, you have these feelings for them and have nothing to do with them when they're sick. That's one exercise that I do try, is if I'm noticing I'm having feelings for a woman. This might be weird and graphic, but I try to imagine them vomiting or having food poisoning and having diarrhea or something. That's reality. That's the real them, not this weird fantasy that I'm creating when they smell perfect all the time or whatever. No, that's not human.
I'm not attributing their human qualities just like this weird fantasy version of themselves, and that's not fair to them. It's not fair to me, then it's not real. Eventually, it's going to come to pass that everybody farts, Carina, everybody farts. I knew one guy actually, this is very apropos. This one guy I know, he's kind of an extreme guy. But growing up when he was in elementary school, if he noticed that a girl was crushing on him, he would go out of his way to fart in front of her to dispel any possible future crush. Yes, he's just trying to be as gross as possible to make her feel grossed out by him. I don't necessarily recommend that or not recommend that, but that was his strategy and it seemed to work pretty well for him growing up.
Carina
Wow, what a trait that he has.
Andrew Love
Yes, he's an extreme dude. I'm going to ask you this, you and Robert recently went to the matching process. But before you were matched, you were talking and now you're blessed. So the blessing is obviously free for all, crush on each other all you wanted to. Husband, for God's sake, so you should crush on him. But in the matching and then pre- matching, so while you're courting and even while in the preliminary phase, are you careful to not feel too many emotions? How did you deal with crushes, as you were merging into a couple?
Carina
For me, a crush is this feeling of fantasizing and being in love with the person without really knowing the person. The only time I had a crush on a brother was in 2016, the first time I met him actually. That was when I had a crush on him, and I was 19 years old at that time. I remember praying to God. God, I have a crush on this person but he's so pure and he's such a great guy. I don't want to really make him dirty with my thoughts. I really want to focus now with the brother/sister relationship. And please, if something has to happen in the future, I just put it in your hand. Please just take it out of my mind. And that happened immediately after that prayer, was the easiest crush to overcome in my life. It just went out. The feeling went away, and I was able to talk with Robert as a brother and sister, as we were very comfortable with each other.
There was no awkwardness or anything, and I didn't feel like he's mine or anything. It was like a friend. And then we started to talk again but it was after me overcoming this very hard crush of one year. I told myself I will not allow myself to go crushing anyone yet in my life. So even when we're talking as friends, of course, I'm like: It'll be nice at some point when this becomes a relationship but I never let it be more than that. I was talking with a friend and never let it be more than that. Even in the matching process, I already started the matching process, of course, this narrows and stuff, but I never allow myself to fantasize with Robert because I never felt that he was mine or I was allowed to do that. Even when I didn't want to destroy my reality through my fantasy, this was real. I didn't want to mix it out with fantasy, I wanted to really leave the reality that I was going through in the present. I knew today, I don't feel like I have a crush on Robert. I do see him and I feel so much love for him, and sometimes not.
Andrew Love
We won't tell him you said that.
Carina
But I do feel blessed. My biggest feeling of love is like: Wow, how blessed I am to have this person next to me and feeling like wow. That's most of my feelings, and not really like: I don't feel that they need or fantasize or imagine or really go beyond what are my realities. I can get through my reality.
Andrew Love
Yes, that's what's recommended but it's really hard. This idea of reserving emotion until after the commitment, because emotion without commitment is just like a disaster. But it's also while you're getting to know somebody, you can't help, but especially if you're considering being with them for eternity, it's hard not to speculate a little bit in your mind and think about what our kid's going to look like and all this stuff. Even you guys are pre-kids so you have no idea what your kids are going to look like? How many are you going to have? If they're going to be born bald, or with an afro, you have no idea. I know sometimes people get emotional about that but it seems like you went about this in a very practical way of going through the process of getting to know the real him and not letting your viewpoint of him be tainted by some fake version, some fantasy version of him during the courting phase in the matching.
Carina
Yes, and that's why I'm so grateful for the training that all my crushes made me. There was a pain to go through them, but I think they've really trained me in a certain way after going through them. That's why in a certain way, I'm very grateful to them because I was able to get way more mature of what love is. But of course, there were times that I imagined our future that we'd go and stuff. But I don't know, I just realized the future is so uncertain.
Andrew Love
Yes, that's great. For all those people out there who might have a crush on somebody, what should they do right now? What's something that they can do right now?
Carina
Tell it to someone that they trust. Not just leave it there. I have told this to people, and sometimes that doesn't work out so well. But tell it to someone and not keep it as I want conversation. It's not a confession. It has to be continuous communication about that. Someone who's almost like an accountability partner. That's what High Noon and all the resources of High Noon if you apply with whatever situation you're going through, are almost the same principles. Porn recovery is where you can apply the same principles in almost everything. It has to be a continuous conversation with someone that you can let know what is your progress or not, just letting them know how you're doing, what are you feeling, what are you going through at the moment? Getting that connection from another resource instead of that person, and start to be really aware of yourself and questioning yourself, where is this coming from? Why and how is this feeling connecting with God? I think that's the best, and don't give it that much. Don't interpret them as romantic. That's the interpretation that society has put in your mind that this is how you should interpret your feelings as something romantic for your life and the love of your life. Society's not here really, and this is not a reality. Those feelings that we say already are telling something about you. So focus on yourself and knowing what is going on and what are you avoiding from the present? What are you not really liking about what you're going through? What do you want for the future? And all that, I think it's going to help you to create. I don't know. Andrew, what do you think? What else do you have?
Andrew Love
No, that's all good. Just always talking it out, getting it out of you. Separating yourself from these feelings and these thoughts, and being able to look at them. It always helps to have somebody else as well. Somebody that you can trust to sort through them because it's like being lost in the jungle of an emotion. He's just going to eventually give up, but if you have somebody else that can create some clear pathways that make sense, then you'll be able to sort it out and understand more what's happening. But the best strategy is always don't just go with your emotions. I understand your emotions. You're meant to be in control of your emotions, not the other way around. Most people are completely controlled by their emotions. They think that we're meant to be. Why? Because I have a feeling.
Whenever people tell me that I had a dream about this, it's got to be real. It's like I had a dream that I saw a snake wearing a cowboy hat, who cares? It's a dream. Your interpretation says more about what you want than the dream says about anything at all. A lot about your subconscious thinking, so get it out of you. It doesn't mean that it's a bad thing, it's just getting it out of you so that you can see it and talk about it with somebody else, then you have much more power over it. If it just stays inside of you, it will take over you. It has a chance at least to take over you. Your thinking, your actions become this obsession. You can't win, you can't win.
Awesome. Do you have anything else you want to add before we part ways?
Carina
If you are helping someone going through the process of overcoming a crush, don't just have that conversation and forget about it. Keep asking about it. How are you doing? What is your decision? Because at some point, they might give up. I, myself, gave up on certain crushes. That's where I made the biggest mistakes of my life because I thought I couldn't hold this thing anymore. I shared this with someone before, but they never asked me back again. I kept the continuation from there by myself. So never judge the person because if they feel judged, they'll feel that you're going to correct them, or not correct them but say like, what are you doing? You have this feeling that's for him. They're not going to trust you anymore. But continue the conversation, try to ask them how are they doing? What steps are they doing? Have an action plan or something that will help us, or help them to review and remember their own commitments to the values. So don't be afraid to keep asking that question. You can maybe save a life. But maybe you can help them through the process. Yes, that's the last thing that I'll add.
Andrew Love
Got it. This is probably helpful for all of you out there because if you're listening to this, you probably have a crush on either Carina or I. So now you know exactly how to work with that and move forward with confidence. We're going to leave you there. If you guys have any questions, please let us know. We're happy to connect with people if you don't have anybody in your life, we can help get you an accountability partner or something like that so that you can talk about this stuff because we're meant to create a vision for our lives and live in fulfilling that vision. If you're living in some deviated form of that, it's nowhere to live. So talk to us, reach out to us. Thank you so much for listening. Say goodbye, Carina.
Carina
Thank you, bye-bye.
Andrew Love
Bye guys.
I hope you found that episode enjoyable, and before we go, I wanted to challenge you to take your life on. To take your life to the next level, and if you're struggling in any way with pornography, with masturbation, with issues of sexuality that just are not helping you at all. If you want to reclaim your life, reclaim your eyes and ears, your time, your energy, then take our free 15-Day Challenge. If you go to highnoon.org, you can find our 15-Day Challenge right there on the front page. Take it, it's absolutely free. No strings attached. We've designed it to help you gain some level of momentum in your journey of sexual integrity so that you can take the next step, whatever that may be. It could be to go to our deeper ascend program, which is a 90-day program that we have. It could be to reach out to that accountability partner, it could be to just take whatever steps you need to take in your journey to build the life of heavenly sexuality that you deserve. So go to highnoon.org right now, if you want to break up with porn and start to get engaged with the life of your dreams, and eventually marry it. Doesn't it sound nice? So go to highnoon.org to find all those resources and more. It's been a slice.