The Goal of Sexual Integrity

Contributed by Robert Cunningham

The term sexual integrity is commonly used in High Noon, often being described as the goal we strive to guide people towards. How clear is this goal though? If someone was to ask you what it meant for you to “develop your sexual integrity,” could you explain? What would it look like to have sexual integrity? I’d like to offer some helpful perspectives on this topic.

First Level: Stop Watching Porn

Sexual integrity is often seen as synonymous with abstaining from watching porn, masturbating, or any other unwanted sexual habit. When someone is developing their sexual integrity, it means they are trying to avoid these habits that are having a negative impact on their well-being and relationships. If they are successfully abstaining they have accomplished sexual integrity. 

I wouldn’t call the above perspective wrong, but rather incomplete. When sexual integrity is viewed as only the abstinence from something bad, unwanted, or unhealthy, then it can lead to some limitations. 

The first limitation is that this is not sustainable. It ignores the reality that porn, masturbation, etc. artificially meets an unmet need in your life. Take away this coping mechanism and you’re still left with that need, a hole in your life unfilled. We often fall back on our old habits because we have not done anything to feed ourselves in the way that is needed. 

Secondly, taking this perspective cannot beget true freedom. True freedom is about the capability to make choices that build towards the life you want. If your whole life is centered around running away from something you are always at the mercy of this thing—your past, your tendencies, your skeletons in the closet. You are only free until it catches up to you. Additionally, it would be sad to be defined solely by what you are not: “I am not an alcoholic” or “I am not addicted to porn.” 

Second Level: Doing Something Better

At High Noon, we have talked at length about the concept of “replacing the bad with the good.” It is the idea that we are actively seeking healthy, life-giving habits while we go through the process of cutting ties with our old vices. Habits such as sleeping at a regular time, getting exercise, reflecting, reading, sharing our ups and downs with others. For those of you who have taken part in the Ascend program, you are likely familiar with this principle. Developing a better lifestyle is another aspect of the goal of sexual integrity. 

But is that all?

Third Level: Discovery of my True Self

I propose there is one more missing ingredient to fully understanding and pursuing the goal of sexual integrity, which I would call the discovery of my true self. This is what can bring us beyond  the gritty realm of willpower and into the fruitful world of curiosity and expression.

Now, don’t get me wrong, our willpower is important. It is not something we choose to have; it is a fundamental part of our being. You can do, you can create, you can move, you can experience, you can accomplish. But what you may not always have is a clear understanding of what you want and what you need. Without that, it is easy to be blown about like a leaf in the wind. When you're at the point where you don't know what you want, willpower becomes irrelevant.

Here is where this third aspect of the goal of sexual integrity comes in: understanding and knowing yourself. What excites you? What are your fears? What makes you happy? Why do you do the things you do? Many of us do not know the answers to these important questions because we have not been asked and we do not take the time to ask ourselves. Admitting that we don’t fully know these answers can be frightening or frustrating. It can also be liberating. 

Taking this approach to the sexual integrity journey allows you to create lasting and effective change. Rather than pursuing something because others deem it to be good or avoiding something just because it's "wrong" or punishable, you can instead develop further clarity about who you are and what is important to your wellbeing.  With that knowledge, you can express yourself fully and develop habits that align with your values. If you are experimenting with a new habit, you are free to tweak it along the way, honing it to best suit the lifestyle you are creating. Your life will begin to reflect what you want, more and more.

Will you always travel the straight and narrow path? No, but that is ok. You will be able to view yourself with compassion and understanding when you falter. It is the process of accepting and recognizing, “This was not an outcome I wanted and this is how it is impacting my life and making me feel. What can I learn from this? What led me here? What would I like to experience instead?” 

One big obstacle to taking this approach is judgment or accusation. We have all received and may continue to receive judgment or accusation from others, however we are often the biggest perpetrators. We are usually our worst critic, telling ourselves very demeaning things that we would likely not say to others. 

While pursuing a life of freedom, self-accusation and self-harm are not helpful. Mistreating ourselves like this leads us to distorted conclusions and prevents us from seeing our journey clearly. When we treat ourselves with unconditional love and compassion, we can see that there is a step forward possible in every slip. That there is something to learn. That we have not fallen all the way back to the bottom rung, but in fact we still stand upon our previous investment and effort. 

To think that God is disappointed in you is far from the truth. God is proud of the steps you are taking and will keep encouraging you to try again. He wants you to understand yourself and be free to fully express all the beauty within you. 

I highly recommend expanding your idea of “the goal.” Yes, you are trying to take out the things that are not adding to your richest life. Yes, you are trying to be productive and to live with meaning. You are also seeking a clearer understanding of yourself, where you’ve come from, and where you want to be. You are seeking to answer and re-answer those deep, insightful questions that only you know the answer to. Give yourself the time and space to answer. When you come to know yourself, you can be empowered to take actions that bring fruitful and lasting results.