A Reflection on Gratitude and Sexuality
Contributed by Robert Cunningham
I consider gratitude to be the most powerful skill any of us can develop. In times of challenge and uncertainty, I am often brought back to this fundamental value. A part of me understands my need to receive in order to give, create, perform, push forward, bring results, and simply live my life. Yet another part of me forgets this, and I find myself riding the edge of burn-out while dealing with the myriad of life’s responsibilities.
I have often wondered: where does our power come from and how do we tap into it? Is it from food and exercise? Is it from our deep convictions of what is right and wrong? Is it from our relationships, our friends and families who love us?
It may seem that our power, our ability to function at normalcy or to pursue excellence, is ever changing. Sure, we can control what we eat, how much activity we get, and even many aspects of our sleep. But what happens when an unexpected sickness or injury befalls us? Yes, we have some level of control in how we spend our time with friends and family. But what happens when someone seemingly no longer feels the same way about us?
Life is simply filled with variables beyond our control and it's impossible to account for all of them.
Yet, one small practice can allow us to maintain our fullness in the midst of this whirlwind that is life: gratitude.
But isn’t gratitude just a feeling? It comes and goes like anything else. And surely, any of those events you described would leave me with no space for any feelings of gratitude.
I would say that the result of gratitude is a feeling. Feeling loved, appreciated, cherished, humbled, are all resulting feelings from the practice of gratitude. It is beyond what we feel. It is a choice and a state of being: “I am grateful.”
Gratitude is about consciously receiving. “Conscious” refers to the aspect of choice and intentionality. It may seem like receiving is a passive, effortless thing, but I have found this way of thinking to be misleading. Through gratitude we can become attuned to the blessings, lessons, and wonders that are currently present in our life. Oftentimes, these things can easily be overlooked, shadowed by larger and more stressful events. The choice is to take time to be still and look for what we can be grateful for. It is appreciating the simpler, yet no less significant, aspects of life.
While pursuing a porn-free life, gratitude played a key role for me. It took many days and nights of contemplation and the support of my accountability group, to come to a significant realization about my struggle. I had developed a deep-rooted habit of ending my day pursuing some sense of fulfillment and satisfaction through scrolling the sea of content spilling forth from my phone. It was an emptiness that I was seeking to fill that often brought me to porn through some avenue or another. A void in me that wasn't fulfilled with my life, still seeking some form of meaning and connection. Sexual pleasure and arousal seemed to be the height of fulfillment, yet it only deepend the feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction.
It dawned on me how essential it was to address this inner need in order to have any hope for lasting change. As I had learned at High Noon, I needed to go through the process of removing the bad while developing the good. I knew it was time to make a strong commitment to leaving my phone in another room before going to sleep. But I needed to pair this with an effective nightly routine, something that would address my lack of fulfillment and satisfaction. I determined that I would sit in the designated prayer room of my home with my notebook open in front of me. I would not leave until I had written down three or more things I could be grateful for and feel it! That was the key.
Obviously some days were easier than others, and some days were a battle I had to fight and win. A fight with apathy, tiredness, hopelessness, you name it. But I stuck with this practice of gratitude for months. And I trained myself to end my day—no matter what it looked like—to be at some level fulfilled, satisfied, and grateful.
Learning to appreciate the more subtle things in life has continued to benefit me in my married life. It is a skill that directly impacts intimacy. It can be easy to see our spouse in the same way we sometimes see our lives: uninspiring, dull, irritating. What once seemed special can become something we no longer appreciate. However, the beauty and uniqueness that is in your spouse has not faded. Beauty truly is in the eyes of the beholder. And a practice of gratitude removes the shades that can fall across our eyes, allowing us to see how blessed we are.
“If we do not feel wonder at the flight of a hummingbird or eagle or at the scent of mint, how will we even begin to feel the stunning sensuality of sex?” - Jay Stringer*
I find this quote to be a great example of why the practice of gratitude is so important for our happiness in life. Sex is up there as one of the most potent experiences of joy, wonder, and love with your spouse. It should be approached like a gourmet, five-course meal where each bite is savored and you delight in every unique flavor. Sex is not so good as an all-you-can-eat buffet.
It is our opportunity in life to practice being more than a mindless consumer, but someone with heightened awareness to the wonders of life. I have found that God often presents these gifts to us in the subtlest forms, like the warmth of the sun, the sweet smell of a flower, the rhythm of a song, a listening ear, an encouraging hug. Gratitude can have a compounding effect in our lives, allowing us to receive even more. It is not an obligation but an open invitation to receive the gifts of life.
*Author of Unwanted: How Sexual Brokeness Reveals Our Way to Healing
