#5 - Why Quit Porn and Masturbation?
In this episode, Andrew and Sammy tune in from Toronto, Canada, and Seoul, Korea to jump into the deeper reasons for giving up porn and masturbation. Although the choice of quitting may result in a brighter better day, it may demand a dark night of the soul to be able to awaken and walk into the light of sexual integrity.
Join the LLL podcast hosts as they provide many reasons to find your WHY, and how to make this WHY big and deep enough to keep you maintaining momentum in your choice and commitment to a much better life without porn.
What is sexuality at its core?
How is the ”mood” for sex altered or disrupted?
Why do emotions trump facts?
What is the real work that needs to be done for a shift to happen in relation to a porn habit?
What is the vision to pursue that is better than that of the current porn situation?
How does porn affect you as a person and how do you show up in this life?
How does porn affect society at large?
Episode Transcript:
Andrew Love: Welcome back, everybody. How you doing?
Sammy Uyama: Welcome, welcome, welcome. Who knows when you will be listening to this. But here it is just past Christmas. Merry Christmas to all of you out there. Maybe we can get some, we can get some reindeer bells sound effects going on in the background.
Andrew Love: We ain't got the budget. Come on now. Yeah, we just, just close your eyes and imagine that you're happy. And that's our gift to you, is the Christmas spirit. Whenever. If you, if this is July, just know that all it takes is for you to close your eyes, and Christmas magic can ensue. So welcome. We are freezing our little buns off here, respectively in Toronto and Korea. I'm Andrew Love from Toronto this week and Sammy is in Seoul, Korea, the beautiful land of South Korea.
Sammy Uyama: I'm right next to, right next to Pally.
Andrew Love: Pally. Yeah, Pally and Busan. (crosstalk)
Sammy Uyama: I was talking about France. Seoul.
Andrew Lov: Well, under my head.
Sammy Uyama: Yes. So...
Andrew Love: So yes, today: porn, uh, stuff.
Sammy Uyama: Alright.
Andrew Love: That's our podcast. Not a call. We wanted to do an episode specifically about, about the reality of needing some deep internal reasons why you want to quit porn. And how much that is an imperative ingredient in actually seeing a better day. Because it's not going to happen just because somebody tells you to quit porn or just because you kind of think it's a good idea. It requires a lot of soul-searching. It requires a lot of internal investigation. And there's a lot of dark nights of the soul. And if you're not prepared for this, then it's very easy to go back to where you were to give up on your journey to seeking after sexual integrity and to settle for what you're used to. And so, what we're really here to promote is this idea of having a strong why. And as we were talking before this, you know, it's it's such a cliche, right of any life coaching, or self-help is like, find you why. And there's a reason for that. Because if it's superficial, if the reason why you're seeking after something is superficial, then the moment times get really tough, it's like 99% chance you're going to give up. Because why would you? In order to really grow you have to be able to go through the fire and then melt a little bit and then reforged yourself into whatever it is that you choose. The mold that you choose. So we want to get into some of these internal reasons why.
Sammy Uyama: Yes, this is the "How to Maintain Momentum" episode. It's the, we're talking about what are all the different elements needed for breaking out of a pornography habit. And there's a lot of different important things. But when it comes to keeping yourself moving forward, this is the one and so we wanted to start with this. Absolutely, yeah.
Andrew Love: And here's, here's, here's something, I'm gonna profit it, I'm gonna plant the seed in your head because a lot of people have never thought about this. Some people may disagree with this, and you're entitled to your opinion and you're also entitled to being totally wrong. But in my experience, and what I've seen in other people is sexuality is 100%, again, my opinion, 100% emotional and spiritual. And yet we treat it from a very intellectual and physical perspective, right? It's always treated as like a psychological thing or a physical thing. So I'll just physically restrain myself from pursuing porn or I'm going to think happy thoughts. But the thing Sammy, tell me if you've ever been in this situation... being in the mood, right for sex? You're in the mood. Okay? Can you imagine that? Have you ever been in the mood?
Sammy Uyama: In the mood? Can you... in the mood. Are we talking for like pizza or...
Andrew Love: In the mood for, if you're feeling sexual. Oftentimes, if you're single it means that you're triggered. You've put in a state where you want sex, and you feel like oh, I need sex. So that's the only thinking is I need sex. It's very primitive. I need this. I need this, right? Just point A to point B. Point A to point B. Me, sex. Me, sex. When that is interrupted by some emotional occurrence, say, for instance, you're on your computer, and you've just seen some highly sexual content puts you into a hyper-aroused state. And then it cuts to a commercial of a very sad child in a very poor country. And the commercial's asking for money because this kid is starving. It kind of kills the mood. And it changes the focus of your emotions of basically every cell in your body from wanting sex, Point A to Point B, to calming down and becoming soberer. And what occurred there was it was an emotional shift. It was emotion first that caused you to change your perspective, of your thinking, of your thoughts. So what I'm saying is, like, how important is it then, to understand the emotional nature and the spiritual nature, the internal, invisible nature of what is driving your sexuality so that you can see it in yourself and also so that you can cut it off when it's unwanted and change the emotion and then redirect your emotion to something that you want, which would be a vision. So how does that sound, Sammy? Tell me, tell me. Give me some feedback here on this.
Sammy Uyama: Yeah, having basically the because sex is an emotional thing that I used to recap Andrews talking about is that facts are not enough to get you by. Because when you're in that, when you're in that mode, your emotions take control of your desires. It's the same with everything. Any kind of habit changing is exactly the same. Wanting to get fit. Wanting to take control of your finances. It's like everyone knows the facts that, okay, if I want to lose weight, id' have to exercise more. I'd eat less if I want to save money. I'd spend less than I earn. And despite all this stuff, there are other things going on behind the scenes that are in control of our brain and in control of our actions. So the, just the facts in itself is not enough to, you know, that knowledge, it doesn't actually make a difference for most people. It's, it could be interesting. It could be, like, it's interesting. I mean, that's probably one of the biggest things that factual information provides. "Today I learned" kind of thing. But to actually go through the process of changing our behavior, doesn't do it. And so, you know, so that's kind of the context of you know, why having this, why is important. And the other aspect was you mentioned about having a vision and why don't you tell us more.
Andrew Love: Yes. Also, just, just to kind of go down that path, you know, of what you mentioned. And I remember very clearly giving a talk and I was, I was fired up. Everybody that I was speaking to stay awake. They were receiving this information. They were nodding. There was all new information to them. And then at the end of the presentation, one guy came up to me and he said, you know, there's really amazing content. The way you're talking about the brain, the prefrontal cortex, all these things, facts, amazing, amazing statistics. Great, great, great. But he said, but, big but here - the next time I'm in front of my computer, none of that is going to size up to this tsunami of desire that I'm going to have. And I know for a fact that I'm going to give in because knowing is, like Sam was saying. is great, but it doesn't change the behavior. So then why has to kind of penetrate the heart? Because one thing...
Sammy Uyama: I want to back up a little for a second, Andrew, just to clarify that. So, you know, one of the things you do for High Noon is that you travel around and you give talks to communities about the effects of pornography. And so that, that's kind of what's going on here. You're giving a talk about pornography and how it affects the brain.
Andrew Love: Thank you, fact-checker. Yes, yes. And, I mean, the basic gist is, a lot of people will do the research. They will read the books, even take courses They will do many of the actions that cause them to feel like they're taking action like they're doing something. But it's all a lot of times busy work. It's the busy work of feeling like you're doing something, yet when you encounter the problems, in this case, internet pornography; when you're, when you're face to face with it, you realize that those actions haven't really amounted to much of anything in the face of this great opposition. Of this great urge. Of this great force. Because that force, in effect, was deep inside of you. And so by going around and reading all this stuff is just planting these little seeds. But these seeds have no way of getting into the root because the root is way deep down in your heart. So then, the real work, the real work is finding the emotional connection of what drives your sexual behaviors. And this is like, we're not going to get all psychological on you today, and we're not going to get into all this stuff. But it's really, really, really important on a very fundamental basic level, to understand that what you're dealing with here is deeply emotional. And it's, and it's, you know, there's a lot of stuff that happened to you growing up that that's that that caused you to have this kind of relationship with porn and also, you know, even recently All your environment and all these things, but it's really important to understand that these facts are great, but the information doesn't do anything unless you then take action. And the action here that we're talking about is to do the work of creating an emotional why. A deep emotional why of what you're getting into here. Of what, what you would like instead of porn; the porn that's right in your face. So yes, grand vision is what Sammy was talking about. And so let's, Sammy, why don't we get kicked off, we'll get us kicked off with...
Sammy Uyama: You want me to get kicked off? Are you hinting at something?
Andrew Love: I'm kicking you off, man?
Sammy Uyama: The thing that keeps you going in wanting to break away from porn is having a future that compels you and pulls you in, in a very clear direction. Right? It's like, the knowing, you know, it's something that can dictate your behavior, right? And just being really inspired by these are the things that keeps me going, you know. This is the kind of person I want to be, this kind of future I want to have. And this is how, understanding, you know, this is how my actions now are affecting me right now and how it's affecting the future that I want. And so we wanted to talk about, specific to porn, there are three general categories that people usually tend to resonate with when it comes to wanting to quit pornography. And so we'll cover those. The first one is, we'll actually do a deep dive into each of these topics and how porn affects each of these areas in a bit. But the first one is just understanding how pornography affects you as a person. And the, how constrains the things that are important to us. Porn makes you lethargic. Porn really demotivates you and draws you away from really creating an exciting future and investing in there as you care about it. It's so distracting and you become so obsessed with pornography. Porn really zaps out a person's aliveness and their sense of self-worth and their confidence.
Andrew Love: Well, yeah, so everybody relates to the line in the sand. I really was thinking earlier that this would be a great name for this episode, but it might be too abstract. But the line in the sand is like, you know, sometimes it's you, it's like, it's me, like I, the line in the sand is when you find out how much porn has been stealing from you. And you say that's it. No more. And that's, that's, that's when you decide, enough is enough. And that's when it really strikes you. Because you realize that little by little it's been taking your motivation, taking your self-esteem, taking your hopes and your dreams, and giving you garbage in return. You know, and so, for some people, it's that on a personal level, and this isn't an assessment of you, it's like different characters attract different types of thoughts. And so for some people, it's on a personal level that they really resonate with. That is their wise like, I'm not going to be a victim to porn anymore. And so that is, that is what keeps the fire in their belly and will keep it just makes them like, you know, fired up. And so when, when the temptation comes, then they have an emotional reason to say no. Because you know what, last time you hurt me porn, and I'm not gonna let that happen again. And so it's like, it feels really personal. So that's the first one is feeling, feeling the personal ramifications of porn.
Sammy Uyama: Yeah, for me, I hated the feeling of being controlled by something. And I mean, this is porn. That it was that I have a plan for how I wanted to spend my time. And that would just get completely thrown out the window. And I look at my watch and hours have gone by I had not done any things I wanted I just spent the whole time looking at porn. And it was always this unsatisfied feeling of this, this hunger for like oh just a little bit more, a little bit more. And then you know, that'll be it, that'll be it. And so this, this unfulfilled promise that porn kept making of this next one is going to give it to you know everything that you want. It's gonna be, it's gonna be. And it was always empty and especially like after you know I masturbate and after we need what's the politically correct term for, for ejaculating?
Andrew Love: Finishing.
Sammy Uyama: Finishing. Finishing. After, you know, after that, then that immediately, that moment after, it's just, I just always feel completely empty. And all these promises that porn, with I mean, being the porn is making or this feeling I had that porn is gonna, you know, I was gonna get the sense of fulfillment that I felt porn was being been providing is all gone. And, and I really hated that.
Andrew Love: Yeah, for real. Same here. So that's, that's like proof of concept of this idea of, of, that time is relative. Because when somebody hands you a book and it's what, oh my god, for me it was history in high school. Those dry text guaranteed to fall asleep, you know. Three paragraphs in. You know, the "on this date" and blah blah blah, you know. I saw like time went so slowly. But internet time and especially porn time just evaporates so quickly and then in a blink of an eye, on the other side of that, you've just lost 20 minutes. You've just lost two hours, three hours. Some people binge-watch porn for four or five hours. And that time is literally being stolen from you. You don't get that back. You didn't want to do that. You weren't consciously thinking, oh, I'm gonna stop and just focus on naked people having sex for the next five hours of my life. And then I'll go off and do whatever. I'll go grocery shopping, whatever. No, it's just you fall deeper and deeper down. And then at the end, on the other side of that wormhole, you snap out of it and you say, well, what in the world? Where did all the time just go? It totally was taken from you. You feel like you've been robbed. Honestly, that's, that's on a personal level. That's, that's another reason why I quit, too, because I was just like, whoa, I just lost it. Felt like I lost it. And I'm never going to get it back. It just went into this giant cosmic receptacle. And I can never get that time and energy back. And it felt like, what did I get from that transaction? Right. So yeah, great example, Sammy. So that's on a personal level, please. Yeah, think about these things as well as we're matching them. Does it, does it really impact you? What you're losing in your relationship with porn. What's the second one, Sammy?
Sammy Uyama: Next? The next one is the peep, the thing that people resonate with is recognizing the impact pornography has on the relationships in your life. Hmm. And that's really something that hits people when they really get. These are the people in my life that I care about, that I love. And this is how porn is affecting them. This is how porn is affecting my relationship with that person. We want to get to that Andrew.
Andrew Love: Yeah, well, some people honestly again, different strokes... bad analogy. Different character types formulate thoughts and feelings in different ways. So some people simply cannot feel what porn is doing to them. But they can feel. They're more empathetic personalities. A more empathetic type of people can really see the harm that's doing to the people in their lives, especially when you get into a relationship. When you have a spouse and when you have kids. When you see what that does to them and experience their disappointment; that oftentimes is people's line in the sand when they say, fine, I couldn't see the impact it had on me. I was blinded to it. And I, maybe I don't even care. But the moment I saw the look in my kid's eyes when they saw porn on my phone, which I've heard numerous times from different people, giving me their testimonies, their kids found porn on their phone or their computers, and that was their first exposure to porn was because of them. Imagine that; the feeling that they felt that was like, wow, I'm out of control. And I've hurt people. Or the feeling of betrayal that if a spouse can experience because of you. And that, that oftentimes is really just too much for people. So yeah. To be able to let that impact you. But that's the present. We also know a guy that his reason for quitting porn was because he was getting to that age where he wanted a wife. And he didn't want porn to be a part of his life. And so he's like, okay, I want to come into a relationship with this with my future spouse porn-free. And he did it. Right, because he didn't want to bring that into his future relationship. So it could be present tense, but it can also be future tense. In that case.
Sammy Uyama: Just knowing that pornography has an effect beyond yourself, right? It's just that those people that you care about, and it gets in the way of your relationship with them. And so if you get really clear, if anyone, I think to start deeply about what it looks like and what it takes to make a strong marriage and a really great relationship with a spouse; and then, and then compare that to how pornography makes you feel about sex and about other people. It's, it's, they completely don't add up together at all. Even in just the area of sex. Like porn completely lends itself to novelty and to the desire for variety. Which, you know, if you plan to be married to a single person for a very long time, that can be very difficult. That you know you're committing to this, is the one person I'm gonna have sex with for the years to come. And also that when it comes to...
Andrew Love: This also, if you think about it, your relationship with God, with the divine, with your higher self, higher purpose, is often severely muted, if not completely severed when you're trapped in a relationship with porn. And it becomes this kind of guilt-laden relationship with God. And so, um, it really, really deeply impacts your relationship with God and with, with your true self. So that's one, one aspect that we get a lot. You know, I've had people come up to me and tell me that they feel like their soul is in a desert just dying of malnourishment and lack of water because their time and energy is spent worshiping porn; instead of connecting to all the, all the love and grace that God has to offer. Because they, they can't even go there. They can't be in two places simultaneously. And they've been choosing porn for so long, they have a strange relationship with God. So that's, that's another thing, too. The physical relationships and also the invisible relationships that we're missing out on because of, I guess, misused time allocation.
Sammy Uyama: Yeah, like back to, I remembered my point, just to come back to something practical about you know when you want to have a relationship with someone, the things that contribute to that being present with them being just appreciative and grateful towards them. And porn doesn't provide any of those things. Porn makes you, you know, really lends itself to having to compare, you know, if my spouse could be a little bit more like this, a little bit more like that. And porn is so compulsive, it just makes you jittery and not calm. You always have this feeling of being on edge.
Andrew Love: Very practical. Like I'm Dr. Cloud Pants and you're Mr. Practical bits.
Sammy Uyama: Alright.
Andrew Love: And then the last one is societal. And I'd like to talk to this point at first because this is really what got me. I'm obviously one of those people that gets fired up with grand ideas, grandiosity. And the reason I joined this fight is really that I could see how children at large were being impacted. How an entire generation was being impacted by porn. And that's what got me. I felt like I could navigate waters fine by myself. Like, at that point, I had overcome pornography. I felt like I could raise my kids well, to also navigate to the difficulties of the interwebs. But I saw all these young folks getting just sucked into this horrible underbelly of society through porn. And that was like, that was this sense of righteous indignation that just grew in me so strongly that I couldn't avoid it. You know, I was just like that feeling that things are getting stirred up inside me and you just, when you stood up, you can't be settled, right? Because there are particles everywhere. So in me it was like this righteousness that was stirred up and I was never the same after going to a conference about porn. And they were talking about all these stats about you know, people the age that they were being exposed to porn and the impact psychologically, spiritually. All these things on young people. So yeah, like for some people like myself it's really the impact of the fact that the porn industry is in bed with, you know, organized crime. How do you know where these people come from? Human trafficking is all over the internet, especially in porn. And do you know where those actors are? And if they're being drugged up? No, you can't tell; you don't know. And you, you know, so for some people, that's, that's their line in the sand is just knowing that oh my God, when you find out about the realities of child porn, human trafficking, these things are like, absolutely, I want no part of this. And so that's what causes, that becomes them why. So it's really important to understand when we're talking about forming your why. First, be... sit with this for a while. Sit with this idea of, of what about pornography infuriates you, right? Because it's okay to touch on the angry emotions that caused you. Because either a) you've been hurt by porn or you've hurt other people with porn or you see society getting hurt. And let that be a starting point for positive actions, right? If you just stay and constantly stew in the negatives, then it's going to overcome you and you're just going to become a sour person. You can't let that but rather, that's your starting point. So okay for me, my line in the sand was when I found out about how society and especially children were being impacted by porn online. Okay, so that's my starting point. And I cried like crazy when I heard about this. Next thing? Okay, how do I help? The next thing: what can I do? Well, first of all, I got to get clear on the facts, I got to, I got to help start talking to my kids about positive things to do with sex so that they have a clear vision. So if it's something personal that drives you, allow yourself enough time every once in a while to remind yourself of that pain. That there are consequences to our actions, either to ourselves, to other people, to God, to society. We're a part of this very interconnected, elaborate system known as humanity, right? And so what part of porn is hurting that part of you? And then start creating a vision for yourself of what will porn look like without that blocking you? How much freer would you be? What would you do with your time, your energy? In terms like with, with personal. What would you do with all that extra time and energy and, and self-esteem? How would you walk differently and talk differently to people? Would you look people in the eye more in terms of relationships? How could you be more connected to people? Spending more time with people? How would you be able to pay attention to them more because you're not distracted by sex and porn all the time? That you just pornified, you're sexualizing everybody in every situation. How would you, you know, purify your relationships? And societally, if you're, if you're more geared in that direction, then how could you make a positive impact in society? That would help steer us back on course, because humanity's really, you know, sexually insane right now. How do we steer the ship back towards sexual sanity? And everybody's part matters in this play? You know? So, yes. The point is a) figure out which, which one of these affects you, deeply, deeply? Is it personal? Is it relational? Is it societal? And then start figuring out specifically what, what, what, is that pain that I'm experiencing, and then start forming a vision for yourself. A reason why you want to fight that. And it should be positive because I want this outcome. Because I want to help this person. Because I feel like I can contribute to society. So this is, this is really the heart of what we wanted to talk about is knowing you're why. That's when porn comes up. When it's on your computer, and there's a pop-up. What is going to help is having a deep emotional connection to no, not this time porn, because I want to invest in this area of my life because I want to do this with my time, with my energy. And it's not up to you to dictate what I do porn anymore. I choose how I invest my time and what is more empowering than that. So yes, I believe that Sammy has some chaos erupting in his background right now. So that's why he's muted and why I'm rambling. But I hope this was very helpful. As always, please reach out to us. If you need help forming your vision. We're here for you. Go to highnoon.org. If you have any questions about the content we just talked about, please reach out to us. If you have any concerns about somebody you know, please reach out to us. If you liked our podcast, give us five stars. Go review us wherever you got this podcast from, share it with your friends. You know, one crazy thing about social media is people watch our content. And they come up to us all the time and say how much they love our content. And I always say, why didn't you say anything online? Because there's so much fear by association. People don't even like our stuff. They don't give us a thumbs up, especially not a comment. Be brave. Give us a thumbs up, give us a comment. Give us a review. Help us spread this message. And if you feel our message needs reforming, tell us. Give us feedback. We want to make this as effective as possible. So thank you again for your time. Thank you for listening to this. I hope it was helpful. We're going to go deeper and deeper and deeper to help give you the most empowerment for your journey so that you can find sexual integrity and hold on to it and so never let it go. Because there's, there's, there's no comparison living a life of sexual integrity versus sexual enslavement. There's, there's no comparison. So, we thank you so much. God bless you. Thank you so much for listening and we'll talk to you in the next episode.