#68 - Are You Serious?! About Quitting Porn
Nowadays, a lot of people struggle with porn addiction due to its vast accessibility especially at this age of the Internet.
People who struggle with porn make it their escape, and just like any form of entertainment, these things produce negative effects on addicted individual.
This episode tackles how people also struggle with quitting porn. There are questions they need to confront themselves with. Questions such as "How serious are you about quitting porn? How far can you endure the process? Are you willing to do anything and take action just to quit this addiction?"
Benjy talks about some philosophies and very practical steps to take your fight seriously and overcome porn once and for all. On the onset, people might feel lost and there’s nowhere to go. But know that it is truly an uphill battle especially when you are choosing the right path. Listen up to know how to avoid the red flags and progress into quitting the habit. Eventually you will come out on the other side and win in life.
Here at High Noon, we’ll be joining you and guiding you to your path to recovery. Connect with us here.
Making the serious commitment and constantly making the effort leads you to the right path
The process of healing and recovery comes from our relationships and genuine connection we have in our lives.
There's always a healthy medium, and that is education, support, and group support.
The key is interacting with people who are knowledgeable, supportive and trustworthy that is going to launch your relationship into an area that you never thought possible.
Porn is addictive because it is linking an innate need and desire we have for sexual intimacy with something that has absolutely nothing to do with sexual intimacy at all.
Episode Transcript:
Andrew Love
Bonjour everybody! Welcome back to Love, Life and Legacy, a podcast dedicated to helping you navigate these hyper sexualized times and come out on the other side of life as a winner, as a victor or as a victoress.
And in today's episode, Benjy Uyama, the first and only, is going to be talking about how serious are you about overcoming porn. This is specifically, a lot of times we address different aspects of sexual integrity, and intimacy, but today is just about porn, and it will really help you if you've been on the fence for a while, or if you've been dabbling with the idea of recovery, or maybe you've even been in a group and you've been working on yourself for a while, but you haven't been seeing the progress that you want to see.
A lot of it is really you haven't made the decision to go all in, so Benjy gets into it, he talks about some philosophy, but he also gives some very practical steps as to how you can take your fight seriously and overcome porn once and for all. So let's get into it.
Benjy Uyama
Are you serious about quitting porn? Hey guys, hey Cohen, this is Benjy, from High Noon. Welcome to this quickie episode "quickie-sode" solo cast, me talking about, asking the question, are you really really really truly truly, truly serious about quitting pornography and kicking this habit in the face, face punching it, and getting rid of it. And I just got off a call with my group, I'm doing a facilitation group for young men who are preparing for marriage, their utmost, doing everything they can to prepare for marriage and kick this porn habit to the curb. And so, this is a question that we've been asking ourselves, and it comes up in the form of, when we go through these courses, through these groups, and we go into each individual's lives, and they're making a lot of effort every day to do something different in their habits, in their routine, their morning routine, their evening routine, making goals, changing up their lifestyle, changing up their habits and developing relationships with the people who owes to them their lives.
But what happens is when, as a group, we see that there's something that's clearly lacking in their action, or something that we know that they should, or could communicate better about, or do something, or change this one habit, or get off this one app, or platform, or social media, or do something a little different, when it really comes down to it, they're not willing to take that action, even though it's very clear to them, and to clear to everyone in the group that that's probably the thing that they need to do, to stop kind of getting into these psychological battles and minefields of acting out, and cycling and relapsing over and over.
So what I've realized is that, we're not so serious, we're not entirely as serious as we think we are. most of the time. Most of the people that I'm leading in groups are not as serious as they can be, and they're making a lot of effort, and that's true, and to a certain point where people are getting frustrated, like I'm doing all this work, I'm doing everything I can, and it's like, relapsing is just makes me so depressed, and I hate it, and I'm so sick of it.
But when we really try get into their lives and really look at their daily habits, and their routines, there's a lot of red flags going on, in terms of, where they're spending their time, where they're spending their focus, and who they're spending their time with, especially online and how much isolation there is in their daily lives and the clear lack of structure in their days.
And so when we ask this question like, are you really serious? Like, are you really willing to do what it takes to kick this habit? And this is the question I want to get into with you guys, in this episode, answering this question, if I had a gun to my head, if you had a gun to your head, and I said, if you watch porn again, if you act out ever again, I'm going to end your life. I know that's, that's really morbid, but that's a probably a dramatic imagery for you guys. But this is a really important exercise that I think is valuable to even think about, as if your life was at stake, at risk, because of your habit.
What would you do differently, than you are doing right now? What would you change in your habits? Where would you spend less time, and what would you spend more time doing? Chances are, that if you're struggling a porn habit, and I said, if you do this again, it's over.
Chances are you would probably, for example, not spend so much time on the platforms that usually trigger you or you feel like are unhealthy for developing healthy habits, like YouTube, Instagram, or Tiktok, or whatever, Discord, or I don't even know.
Some of the apps that the guys are on nowadays, but what would be different in your life, and if you can honestly say that I am doing absolutely everything I can and there's nothing I would change, then God bless you. You're on a incredible path to being this radiant individual that you see for yourself. If that is you, then God bless, like you are on the straight and narrow path to becoming a truly radiant individual that is blessed by God, that just oozes love and to creating a marriage and a blessing that is just radiant in every sense of the word and just oozes love to everyone around you, to your children, to your future, to your descendants and everything you touch will turn to gold.
If you can make this serious commitment, like if this is life or death for me, my sexual integrity, my relationship with God, my relationship with myself, my understanding my self awareness. If you can constantly, every single day, make that effort, then you're on that path to becoming that person.
All these couples that have incredible relationships that you see in your life. We all know people, especially here in the High Noon world, we have these incredible couples that are receiving the blessing, creating dynamic relationships, having wonderful families and children, that's the path you're on, if you're really making the effort, if you're really serious about, that's the path you're on and that is so exciting, and I'm so excited for you.
And you might not see it right now, because right now you're lost in the jungle. You might just be lost in the jungle and right now you might be kind of seeing a glimpse of that sunlight outside of the jungle. But when you're really in the jungle, it's so hard to see the other side, it's so hard to know that your efforts right now trudging through the mud, the muddy, wet, creature-infested jungle, that someday you're going to see the light.
But when you do, you will be so happy that you're out of the jungle, and you will feel free. And you will see the other side and be like, wow, this is what I was missing, this is what I was missing, this is what I was wasting all my time , and energy ,and focus on and because I wasn't able to reach this. And as soon as you see that, you will look back at the jungle, and you will say, man, there are other people in there, and I feel for them and I really want to help them get out. And if that's you, then you're in the right place.
So that's really exciting guys, is, you might feel like it's an uphill battle, and it is, but it's surprising how quickly you can turn around your life, like how quickly. You know, in the High Noon world, we have like this scale of level of addiction or habit with regards to masturbation and porn, we have like a 1 to 10 scale. It's really a self assigned scale, 9, 10, being like, full on addiction and sexually acting out in physical ways with people and just uncontrollable compulsive behavior every day, can even go even a few hours.
And there's like the 1, 2, which is like, I don't really have an ongoing habit, it's more like, a thing that kind of pops up and sneaks into my life, here and there. But overall, I have control over this and I'm sticking with High Noon, because I believe that this is the path for me, and this is, there are so much more I'm gaining from High Noon, from just pornography and sexual integrity.
There's a community, there's family, there's love here. And then there's like the 4, 5, mid range, mid position people, which, anecdotally speaking, the majority of people in the High Noon world are not of the 8, 9, 10, they're more of like the 3, 4, 5, 6 range.
And if you're in that range, like regardless of where you're on the scale, wherever you are on the spectrum, it is surprising how quickly you can turn around your life, and we've seen this, with people in my groups, with people in many groups, all this High Noon staff have seen this in our own lives. It's how quickly, if you just make the effort to really, buckle down guys, and make this a serious priority.
I'm talking serious, like I'm willing to do whatever it takes, I'm willing to do the one thing that I know I don't want to do, but I need to do, if you can do that one thing, then you can turn your life around quickly, within months, within a year, a few years, if you just are consistent. It is surprising how quickly you can turn things around. It doesn't have to be this, like oh, it's gonna take me years, no, you can really quick quickly turn things around.
It has happened to myself, it has happened, you know, with the brother, I'm in the group that I'm working with. In the last, just in the last eight months, he has tremendously went from actually, a few people in my group, now I think about it, in just a years time, went from full on hopeless, feeling like a level 7, 6, 7, 8, and now just feeling like, every week is like, a feeling like a 1, 1 and a half, 2, like really in control.
Because they just made it a daily discipline to make this a priority in their life, and not just, for the sake of overcoming porn, this is a really important distinction, guys, is that it's not enough to just say that, like how do I abstain from porn? Because if we're just abstaining from porn, then we're not actually healing, this is healing and recovery we would have. If you're just abstaining from an action, you're not doing any healing or recovery in the process. The healing and recovery comes from, comes from where, it really comes from our relationships, it really comes from the connection we feel in our lives. It really comes from people, it really comes from talking with people, having give and take with people.
And I ask the people in my group, every time we have a new group starting, I asked them like, what is the most helpful thing for you in your journey to recovery. And most of the time, it's not something like, oh doing more, praying more, doing one, okay, or it's not that, I talk with someone in my family, I talk with my parent, I talk with my mom and I talk with my dad, and we're continually talking about this issue in our family and our relationship.
And that is what's keeping me going, and that is what's motivating me, and that is what's changing in my life. And that is the healing that's happening, and that's allowing me to even take this seriously. It is incredible to see the power of the parent-child relationship in a family. It's incredible to see the relationship between husband and wife, what that can do for recovery. It is amazing. It is beautiful.
Let's talk about the parents, for example, in my high school groups that I've done, the group that I did right before the one I'm doing now, was a high school group of five guys, all ages from 12, 13 to 18 years old. 100% of them join High Noon because of their parent, because their parents had the courage, had this off, to approach them and say, hey, you know, I just listened to a podcast, if I know a webinar of a High Noon, and I'm realizing like, this is probably something you're struggling with, and I understand and I've been there and I'm willing to help.
It's because of that relationship that they have, that the parents had the courage to ask them that, that they joined my group, they joined my group, and it has substantially helped them, not I haven't helped them, just the fact that they had a group of men, of guys, of boys, to have this camaraderie and feeling of tribe where we can rely on each other and support each other.
And it's through that, that they were able to just change their habits and their relationship with their parents and start on that foundation. And they have a beautiful future ahead of them. That's the path that they're on. And it's because of that parent child relationship, because the parents had the courage to just ask, and I can tell you, a few of them said that they're so glad that their parents asked, they were so relieved that their parents asked, and that is so telling to me.
Because I remember the same thing when I was a high school kid, in middle school struggling with my porn habit, I wished that my parents would ask, and I think that's true for most people, I wish, especially if you have any conscience, or if you're struggling this alone, I wish that someone would just ask me like, how's it going?
Because that is infinitely easier than approaching someone in the middle of the day or whenever and when it's just an awkward moment and saying, like hey I'm struggling with this, it is so easy. It's so much more relieving just to have someone who loves you, and trusts you, and respects you, just say, hey how's it going, you know, with your habit?
That's the power that we have, as individuals, not just in a family, but also with friends. How's this going for you? I know, that some of you, probably struggle with, so that's the parent-child dynamic. The husband-wife dynamic, man, there is so much to be said about this. But just to say to be brief about it, there's a lot of power that a husband and wife has to support each other, more than we think, more than we give credit to.
And of course, with regards to pornography, most of the time, it's the man who has a problem with pornography. And I mean, it's not always the case. But most of the time, you know, we can be honest here, it's the man who's struggling and the wife is trying to do everything she can to be supportive, right, and the husband is in the High Noon group. And so it is incredible what a spouse can do to support an individual who has a porn habit, with love, and support, and education.
It's very difficult to talk about this because it's so sensitive, I know for a lot of couples, it's extremely, extremely sensitive inside the couple's relationship, because this is directly affecting both partners, like tremendously. Like if you can imagine the amount of trauma and distress that happens here, I want to give validation to that. But at the same time, I want to say that there is so much that can be done on both sides. If the amount of love, and trust, and support is there for the person that doesn't have the habit, or is on the kind of more trauma receiving side of the relationship, there seems to be like a spectrum of ways that people react to a partner who has a porn habit.
One side of the spectrum is like complete reaction and anger, and like I can't believe like, taking it extremely personally, which is understandable. So that's like one side of spectrum. And that's common for people to feel that way. And then the other side of, you know, like, like really extreme like, I can't believe you're cheating on me. I want to divorce immediately, you know, that extreme. And the other extreme of the spectrum is just apathy. Like, okay, so like no big deal. Don't do that, again, you know, like that, which is also very destructive and not healthy. Because how helpful is that? To have a spouse who's just like, okay, whatever, you know, sure, you have a porn addiction, a heavy addiction doesn't affect me. That's not helpful at all.
But there's always a healthy medium guys, this is what I'm getting to is like, regardless of where a couple is, in relationship to porn, or whatever, there's always a healthy medium, and that is education, and support and group support. If a spouse and couple is educated about the nature of pornography, what causes it, what is it like to have a porn habit and addiction and also what kind of support does a partner spouse need to overcome the habit.
That is a healthy medium, because if you have that informed education and awareness about the habit, then the way that you respond to pornography, or your spouse's porn habit is very different, is substantially different. Because it's no longer on one side, it's no longer just like, I can't believe you would do this to me, you know, taking it personally, because you understand that this is something that has developed over many, many years along it's really an addictive drug behavior that people have that is something at the root cause of it is something that's going on internally. Some internal woundedness and experience that the person is experiencing, and then the other side, you're no longer apathetic and just whatever, it doesn't matter. It's like this is serious. And this is something that needs to be addressed and can be addressed in a healthy way.
So my point is that there is a way for couples to navigate this and couples are doing it. We don't hear about them all the time because it's such a sensitive thing, especially regards to husband wife. But we have groups at High Noon. We have support groups of men and women who are experiencing different ends of this traumatic experience and there is support there. And that's the key here it's like having give and take with people who are knowledgeable and supportive and trustworthy, that is going to just launch your relationship into an area that you never thought possible.
Because guys, that is the power of give and take.When you have give and take with somebody, the right person not everybody but the right person with a foundation of High Noon, of living a High Noon life, then God is able to work, and new things are able to be created. There's nothing in the universe not created from give and take action.
Everything is created from give and take action, every single thing that's how everything is made. And if you want something New in your life regardless of who you are, if you want that new thing, if you want to envision a new self, a new version of yourself, and make a new habit, have a new way of thinking, create a new habit, or kick a habit, it takes given take action. And that's what the groups are all about.
And that's what accountability partners are all about. And that's what we're trying to encourage everyone to develop those relationships with their spouse, with their parents, with their children in order to have a truly High Noon life, give and take action.
And that's the secret sauce, guys. That's the secret sauce. That's why we emphasize groups so much at High Noon, it's because, unless you're making effort and doing those things that you don't want to do, but you know, we'll help you tremendously, that's what it's going to take, honestly that's what gonna take. A porn habit or an addiction is not the same as a food addiction, or addiction to gluten or something like that. It's not the same.
Porn habit is addictive in nature, because it is linking an innate need and desire we have for sexual intimacy with something that has absolutely nothing to do with sexual intimacy at all, it is an artificial version of sexual intimacy, is actually just pixels on a screen, that is all porn is. And we somehow managed to link, create a strong link between sexuality and pixels on a screen.
But the solution to that is to disconnect that completely and have sexual intimacy and connection with human beings, not sexual intimacy. I'm talking about connection, that's the secret sauce, is connection. It's about connecting with people, individuals in a group, in your life, in your family, on a deep intimate level, and that is fulfilling the need that we have to have connection with people. Okay, so if this episode is helpful for you guys, I'm so glad to hear that. Give us some feedback if you want to, ask a question or let us know about what to talk about or to go more in depth into in these podcasts, and all the best. God bless, we love you take care.
Andrew Love
Hello everybody, Andrew Love here, for one last announcement and that is, I encourage you to join our newsletter. We don't spam people, we give you the goods. We give you good quality information, once a week, in your email. And so, we send out newsletters, probably Saturdays, mid-morning, on average. And these are filled with blogs, the latest content, everything you need to know in order to get through your week with High Noon light.
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